Session #2...Keeping things in perspective

Things I have (and am extremely grateful for):
A wonderful husband and a beautiful son.
A family that loves me and would go to the ends of the earth for me.
A healthy body (my brain, on the other hand, that is tbd).
A healthy son.
A healthy husband.
A job (not my ideal but it helps pay the bills AND I get to have Cole with me all day).
A husband that has a job.
No broken bones.
No addictions (except for kissing Cole).
A house.
Food.
A car.
Cable :)
I can breath on my own.
I sleep well.
I have a very well behaved (in public) and happy little boy.
I have two arms, two legs, a torso and a head.

Things I don't have:
A properly functioning reproductive system.
An ideal body.
An ideal face.
No money worries.

As you can see, the good definitely outweighs the bad. And even my bad is a heck of a lot better than other peoples' bads. Keeping things in perspective is HARD. We are all so wrapped up in our own little worlds, that when things don't go as planned, we can sometimes be devastated by the most insignificant things. I think about how much effort and money it takes for me to get pregnant and I start to get sad and a bit self loathing. What I should be thinking is how thankful I am that I CAN get pregnant and I should be grateful that I live in a world where, not only can I afford the medicines but that I have access to medicines that can help me get pregnant. I think about the gadgets and "things" that I want and don't have, when I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head. It's, of course, tough to stay in this frame of mind but it's good for me to remind myself of how good I have it from time to time.

3/8 life crisis? Therapy session #1...

When I was 26 I had, what some would call, a quarter-life-crisis. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know what I was doing with my life and I didn't know where I wanted it to go. I focused mainly on the fact that I had no "passion". I didn't feel that my life was as fulfilling as it should be. I was pretty much freaking out on a daily basis. I cried alot. I sat alone and thought ALOT. Travis was as supportive as he could be but he didn't really know what to do because I couldn't tell him what he could do. I was mentally stuck in a rut and feeling horrible and confused. I don't really remember what finally snapped me out of it. In fact, I think it was a slow progression every day, not feeling as bad as the day before. That was around the time that Travis and I decided to have a baby. That proved to be a pretty difficult road and 4 years later (after alot of hormones, needles and money) we had our baby boy. Cole is absolutely the center of my life. He gives me a reason (sometimes the only reason) everyday to get up and go. I'm getting a bit off topic here but my point is that I am kind of feeling the way I felt when I was 26. Not as desperately hopeless as I felt and definitely NOT crying but there are similar feelings creeping in and out. I do wonder sometimes if maybe I'm clinically depressed. But I think it would be more often and more clear cut. I just seem to have bouts of weirdness every 4-5 years or so. Come to think of it, in 2001 I actually lost the ability to speak for 6 weeks. I know it sounds crazy but I developed a heavy stutter and eventually my jaw and neck would seize so bad when I'd try to speak , that I just couldn't any more. I went to a bunch of specialists (Ear Nose & Throat, Neurological, Speech Therapists) and no one could tell me what was up. My first doctor said I had Turret Syndrome!!??!! He was obviously a quack. Another doctor wondered if I had injested some chemical at the dentist's office where I worked. Another doctor said it was all psychosomatic, brought on by stress. That actually made the most sense to me but I definitely it also upset me because then I was thinking that it was all my fault. Thinking back on it, it makes sense (not complete sense because it was freakin' WEIRD) that my body reacted the way it did. I didn't choose not to speak but my body triggered something inside me to shut down. I often joked (on paper) that maybe it was punishment for talking too much :) I have always been a really stressed out person. I would guess that it stems back to my parents' divorce and how I desperately tried to hold it together and not let it look like it affected me. Over the years, my stress has taken on many forms...obsessive cracking knuckles, biting nails, cracking various other joints, including my neck, wrists, ankles and back, EATING, losing the ability to speak, fits of rage (breaking stuff). As I have gotten older, I have learned to deal with my stress a whole heck of a lot better. I talk about whatever I'm feeling and I don't bottle it up like I used to. I have infinite more patience than when I was younger, so I am able to calm myself down and talk through my anger or saddness before it turns into something crazy. I'm not perfect at this of course and there are things that I swallow (or talk to other people about) rather than confront the person with whom I have the problem. So, I'm wondering if the weight on my chest and lump in my throat is my body's not so subtle way of telling me I need to deal with some issues. If I really let myself think about it, I do have quite a few things that are weighing on me. Honestly though, I don't feel like it's anything more than usual and it is really pissing me off that I am feeling SO freakin' sad. I have been trying to cry with no success. So, I've given up on that and am now trying to focus on working through my issues or at least trying to change my situation, so that my issues won't be such "issues". I'm also focusing on the positive. I am so lucky I have Travis. I honestly don't know who else on this earth would put up with my craziness. After watching Cast Away the other night I had this brief conversation with him:
Me- "Honey?
Travis- "What?"
Me- "If you were ever on a plane that went down and everyone thought you were dead and I somehow managed to move on with my life (which I don't think I would) but if I did and you showed up and weren't dead, I would leave with you in a heartbeat."
Travis- "It wouldn't matter."
Me- "What wouldn't matter?"
Travis- "If you wanted to go with me or not."
Me- "Why?"
Travis- "Because I'd knock you out and take you with me anyway."

Now that's love people.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this.

Maybe it will be just so I can reflect back when I feel better.

I don't feel so well.

In fact, the better description of how I feel is "not right". For the last few weeks I have felt on the edge of tears but when I try to let them come, they don't. I can't seem to take a deep breath, I have a lump in my throat that I can't swallow, I feel super sick to my stomach and I get teary several times throughout the day at nothing and everything. But no real tears will come. If I didn't know better, I would guess I was pregnant or at least starting my period (tmi?) . But neither case is true.

The best way to describe how I feel is (now you can only relate if you've ever had your heart broken) like I've been dumped by the love of my life and he could care less but I am obliterated. I put on a happy face but it only makes the pain worse because the feelings inside me are waiting there just below the surface and the more I ignore them or pretend that everything is okay, the more of an explosion is waiting to erupt when I am finally alone.

Except, in this case, when I am alone, nothing happens. So I am expanding day by day with feelings of utter hopelessness and no way to release. Being dumped is, of course, not the situation that is happening to me right now. But having been dumped by a few people that I loved and "loved", I can say that this feeling is similar. I'm not sure where all of this is stemming from because I have been exceptionally happy for quite some time now. Not that things don't get me down on occasion but since Cole was born (minus Travis' absence for several months) I have been truly happy. Part of me wonders if THAT is why I feel off. Does your body, mind, soul (whatever you want to call it) just NEED to cry on occasion to keep yourself in balance? If that is the case, I wish I would just cry already and get it out of me, so that I can move on from this feeling. Another part of me (the worry wart) is feeling like I'm gearing up for something really horrible to happen to me or someone I know. I hope beyond hope that this theory is not the case. My last theory is that I let too many things build up inside me (good and bad) and don't express myself as well as I should. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I have been known to explode and unload on the wrong person for several things that I've been carrying around with me. I'm hoping that when this explosion comes, it doesn't land on the head of someone I love. I tried watching a few sad movies and I do tear up a bit but I'm not crying the way I should be. I'm not one to cry at movies but there are a few tear jerker films that, no matter how I'm feeling, will result in boohooing if I watch a certain scene. In this particular instance, no such luck. I also know that when Cole is around me, I can't cry. He makes me so happy it's retarded:) Even when he's being a pill, I giggle while I reprimand him(effective parenting, I know). So, I've been trying to waah it up after he goes to bed. I know this might seem strange to some (maybe even most) and it may just be because I'm a hormonally charged girl but this feeling that is living inside of me right now is making me...so incredibly sad. So, tonight I'll be watching more sadness. I'm not kidding here people, I truly believe the only remedy is a full on, tear your heart out, writhing on the floor, snotting in your mouth, boohoo fest. If I don't get it, I'm gonna go crazy. I just want to get back to center.

(Mom, don't worry, I'll be okay)

Quick Update

1. Cole is successfully off the bottle. It takes him a little longer to fall asleep but he's been a champion!
2. I had a hysteroscopy and had several polyps removed from my uterus. I had never been put under anesthesia and I was nervous but it ended up not being a big deal at all.
3. I have a post op check today and f everything is ok, I will start the baby making process.
4. It is HOT outside and every time I walk out to my car I feel bad for Travis who has to work outside in it ALL DAY LONG. He's a trooper though.
5. My cell phone broke and I have been waiting for a new one to come in the mail. It is still not here and I am starting to get angry.
6. My doctor has me on birth control pills to regulate my Flo. I do not do well on bcp. They give me headaches and I just feel angry inside. Not fun. It is kind of aggravating to think that since I have PCOS, I never needed to be on the dreaded pill to begin with. Years of torture for NO reason.
7. I miss my mom. I wish she came here to visit more often.
8. I am annoyed by people who honestly don't want to be friends with people because of their religious/political beliefs. I, for one, choose my friends based on the content of their character (cheesy but true). If I get along with you and we have fun together, why would I care who you voted for for president. People should just agree to disagree. If you get heated about it, don't talk about it. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!!!!!! And I wouldn't dream of trying to change yours (I'll just quietly feel bad for you that you are so deluded and misguided).
9. My days are monotonous at work. Cole is the only reason that makes me get up in the morning.
10. I miss my dad. He hasn't been to work in weeks and I miss seeing him there.
11. I'm a total slacker on the work out front. Since Cole got really sick, I haven't worked out once. Not once. I fell out of my routine and then Travis' work schedule changed. His schedule is back to normal now but I haven't gone back yet. I suck and I hate myself for sucking so hard.
12. I'm somewhat addicted to Facebook. I just pop on and off throughout the day but I pop on and off at least 20-30 times a day. I fear it is becoming a problem. Intervention? Maybe not just yet.
13. The Swine Flu (aka H1N1) is just the flu. What is it with the media WANTING to cause mass hysteria? I never would have seen that one coming...

No more bottle...dun dun duuuuuunnnnnn

So, my original plan for Cole was to get him off of his bottle by the time he turned 18 months. He didn't have bottles much for the first year or so of his life because I breast fed him like a mad woman:) I didn't want to have a kid who was super dependent on...really anything that went in his mouth. I know how addicting pacifiers and bottles and thumb sucking can be and how much they can screw up your teeth. So, no pacifier for my boy and bottles only came into play for first thing in the morning and a little bottle with each of his two naps. 18 months old snuck up on me much faster than I had anticipated but I still wanted to ween him off. My first inclination was to water down his milk until he just decided he didn't want it any more. I did that for about a week but he was still diggin' his bottle with his naps. Finally, yesterday I decided to just go cold turkey. I explained to him that the bottle was "all gone". He usually responds to things being all gone really well but he was a bit put off by the BOTTLE being "all gone". He was upset for the first few minutes of his naps but went straight to sleep. When it came time for bed, he was VERY upset and he doesn't get a bottle for bed time! He kept screaming, "Mommy! Bottle!! Mommy!! Bottle!!!!". I felt so bad! But I stuck to my guns and after about a half hour of screaming, he fell asleep. He woke up this morning though at 5 freakin' 30 AM and started screaming for a bottle. I tried to ignore him but after almost an hour, I couldn't take it any more. I grabbed his sippy cup with some milk and went in to him to start our day. He seemed to like having his milk in a sippy cup this morning and he watched cartoons on my bed while I took a shower. He's taking his first nap right now and he fell asleep quickly but was still upset that he didn't get a bottle. I know it is just a part of his routine for sleeping and it will take some time for him to let it go. He's a trooper though and I'm proud of him. Let's hope he sleeps in tomorrow!! I'm glad his bottle isn't an all day crutch kind of thing. I think it would be more of a shock and harder to get over, if it was. Here's to a bottle free baby boy! Go Cole!

Cole is 18 months old!

Cole turned 18 months old on the 13th! I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. He really enjoys playing with his cars and trucks and driving them all over the house. He is obsessed with elk and runs around the house mimicking their sound (they make a really weird screaming/whistling noise) and he's getting really good at it:) I've been teaching him his colors and he's getting pretty good at them. The only color that he gets without fail is orange:) I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that it is my favorite color? Hmmmm. He is a very smart boy and he surprises me everyday with the things he says and does. He really likes school buses and when we are driving home from work we see alot of them on the street and he points out every one and says,"Hiiiiiiiii bus!". He loves Spongebob Squarepants and sings along to the opening theme song:) He loves the song Single Ladies by Beyonce (I think he likes the beat). He sings the whoa oh oh part over and over again. In fact, last night after we put him to bed, Travis and I listened to him in the monitor singing it over and over again. He would switch back and forth between elk calls and singing Beyonce. The kid cracks me up! I love him. He is just so much fun. Oh, I almost forgot. It turns out that he didn't have pneumonia after all. We went to his pediatrician appointment and he said that quick care people always jump to pneumonia because they don't look at alot of childrens' chest x-rays. He told me to stop giving Cole the antibiotic he was on and that he would be just fine. He still has a tiny bit of a cough but he gets better and better everyday. I love his pediatrician. He is not big on antibiotics for kids and I really appreciate that. We are an overly medicated society, so it is a nice breath of fresh air. Anyway, Cole is happy and healthy and smart and cute:) Everyday when I get him dressed we talk about what is on his shirt (a deer, truck, car, dog, dinosaur, etc.) and he repeats it to me and anyone else he sees throughout the day. He's LOVING dinosaurs now too. He has just a couple little plastic ones that he got for Easter and he has a dinosaur book that he loves. Sometimes he crawls around growling and says in a grumbly voice, "dinosaurrrr rraaarrrr". Trambo and Wendy are his best friends and Wendy is getting more comfortable accepting his over-exhuberant love:) Trambo has put up with it for a while and I think he actually likes it most of the time when Cole hugs him from behind and just lays on him. Actually, as I am writing this all three of them are sitting in the sun in the living room and Cole is petting both their faces:) He loves them and they love him. Now he is butting Wendy in the head with his head! Oh the love! :) He was getting really good at potty training before he got so sick but we are slowly getting back on track with that again. He's still really good at telling me when he has to poop. The peeing part has fallen by the way side but I'm sure it will come back soon enough. I'm not in any hurry and I don't really care about having to change diapers. Well, that's a pretty good update on what my boy has been up to lately. I'm just working and still losing weight:) Travis is working and has been getting up earlier, which he likes because he doesn't have to be out in the heat for too long. But the heat that he does have to deal with drains him and he hasn't been too much help when he gets home. I understand that he is tired but I explained to him that I need a break (even if it is a tiny one) just to restart my focus and enthusiasm:) He's been getting better and I appreciate it. I love my boys!

I lost 11.98% of weight in 3 1/2 months!

But I lost the biggest loser competition, so I officially suck and I'm still bulbous. Congrats to Sarah Barlow for winning! I will be having my own loser competition after I have my next baby. So for those of you who want in, you have approx. one year to get as fat as you can, so you can lose a whole bunch of weight and win some cash:) Totally kidding of course! The smaller you start, the higher chance you have of winning (as long as you have some weight to lose). So get ready for Biggest Loser 2010!!