Good News!!

Yesterday at 2:30 pm, my doctor called me and told me the good news! We're pregnant!! Of course it is very early and I would prefer to wait until I'm in the clear (through my first trimester) but the way that I have to get pregnant doesn't leave much to the imagination. Everyone in my family knew when I was inseminated and everyone in my family knew when the blood test would be to determine if I was pregnant or not, so I figured I might as well share with everyone:) I was totally preparing myself for bad news, just so I wouldn't be too devastated if it didn't work. Travis kept telling me I was pregnant but when I told him that I was, he sounded pretty surprised. We hoped that we would be pregnant, not only because we want another kid but also because we knew we would have to wait quite a while to do it again, since it was so expensive. So, I can proudly say that I already have a thrifty baby!! Only one shot and we got him/her. The funny thing is that we had to try three times for Cole and that was still heaper than this one time! Ooh, more exciting news, I have to go in in about a week for an ultrasound to find out how many kids I have in me! Holy crap, right?! I had two mature eggs, which I think I included in my previous blog, so we have to check and see if one or both took. I'm hoping for one, just because it would be easier (as easy as having a newborn can be) but twins would be...interesting:) I have been put on a crazy regimen of progesterone and estrogen pills and creams. It is seriously insane how many pills I have to take during the day. But I, of course, am very diligent because I want to keep this little sucker in me and growing! I have to take TWO progesterone pills FOUR times a day, TWO estrogen pills THREE times a day and I have to insert a progesterone cream in my hoohaa (lol) TWO times a day!! Seriously, are my hormones out of whack or what?! Oh well, I'm just thrilled that it worked!! I can' believe I'm pregnant!!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! I already have a boy name picked out (no idea what the middle name will be) but if it is a girl I don't know what we'll name her. Travis is stuck on the name Janet, after his mom. He honestly won't budge:) He hates every other girl name I have suggested:) I told him I would consider it as a middle name. Janet just seems like such a grown up name. It's hard for me to picture a baby named Janet. Maybe it's just me:) Anyway, we are super and yeasterday I made my million phone calls to Travis' family and a few to mine:) I appreciate so much how happy everyone is for us and how supportive they are with all of the crazy crap we have to go through to get pregnant. I think I want one more after this but Travis says if we have a girl, we're done. He's funny to think he has a say in the matter:) lol I think we'll see how this baby turns out and then we'll decide if we'll have one more. Now ou all get to look forward to pregnancy blogs for the next 10 months!! Woohoo! I know you're all excited!!

Trying for baby #2!

So, Travis & I decided around March to go ahead and go in to try for another baby. I went to my fertility specialist to check on my PCOS (hormone levels and such) and it was confirmed that I still have it and still need help getting pregnant. I had a consultation appointment with Dr. Shapiro and he said that we could get started immediately. First we had to do blood work on me and Travis and a sperm check on Travis (his favorite thing to do). We both showed up for our appointment and were promptly told that we had to do all of our stuff at Quest Diagnostics because my insurance didn't cover it being done in their office. We were a little annoyed that w weren't told to make the appointment at Quest in the beginning. We went to Quest on a Saturday morning (HUGE MISTAKE) and waited in line, with Cole, for over an hour. And when I got to the front of the line I was told that they had no record of my blood order that was supposedly sent from Dr. Shapiro's office, so they couldn't draw my blood. Also, Travis showed up with his sperm in a cup and was told that they only process sperm on weekdays. Ugh! So, we both had to go back on our own during the week to get our stuff done. Then, they put me on birth control pills to make sure I didn't ovulate while they were waiting for test results and approvals from my insurance company to go ahead. I had to go in for a test where they put a catheter through my cervix, fill my uterus with fluid and check out the lining. When Dr. Shapiro tried to thread the catheter through my cervix, he couldn't because he said there was an "obstruction". He tried THREE times to get the catheter to go in and every time I was ready to scream. It was probably one of the worst pains I have ever felt in my life. The cervix is technically only supposed to be open when you are ovulating or are in labor. Otherwise it is one tightly closed little mouth. So, to have someone trying to jam a good sized catheter through there was enough to pretty much make me want to kill him. He stopped after 3 tries because he saw (and heard) how much pain I was in and scheduled me to have a hysteroscopy. The good news was that the first procedure he was trying to do was not covered by insurance, so it would have cost me $900. Since he was unsuccessful I didn't have to pay a dime and the hysteroscopy was covered by insurance completely. I'm pretty sure I already blogged about the hysteroscopy but here a quick synopsis. I had to go under anesthesia and I was scared. I went in, went under and was on my way home in less than two hours. I had to go in about a week later to get the results of the hysterscopy and was told that I had polyps, he removed them and they weren't cancerous. He also told me that everything was a go to start my shots, so I needed to stop taking my birth control pills and call with the first day of my period (if this is grossing any boys out, suck it up). I stopped taking the pill and called 5 days later with my first day. They scheduled me an appointment to come in for blood work and to order my shots from the pharmacy. The night before my appointment, I was called and told that insurance had not approved my cycle yet and that it hadn't even been put in for approval until that day! I should have known better than to listen to the doctor and stop taking my pill. I should have asked the girls in the office, they are the ones that really know what's going on. Anyway, I was a little freaked because I had stopped taking the pill and already started my period, so I didn't want to wait another month before I could start my shot cycle. They told me to start taking the pill again and that when my period stopped and insurance had approved the cycle, to stop the pill again and call with the first day of my next period. It just so happens that insurance was approved the very next day but we had already passed the 3rd day of my period, which is the day they have to do blood work and get a base line ultrasound, so I was screwed. My period stopped about 4 days later and I stopped taking the pill and started my period 3 days later. I gotta tell you, the female body is whackadoo! The way we can be so easily manipulated by a dosage of hormones is crazy to me. Anyway, I went in for my base line ultra sound and everything looked good. So, I started my shots on May 27th. I was a little hesitant about giving myself the shots but after I did the first one, I remembered how easy it was and gave them to myself every night with no problems. My little sister Louisa even watched me do it one night and was quite impressed:) So I took a shot every night and had to go in every three days for an ultra sound. This time around, my insurance doesn't cover as much as it did last time, so EVERY time I had to have an ultrasound I had to pay $800!! Yeah, that sucked. I had an ultra sound on the 25th, 27th, 30th, 2nd, 5th and 6th. Yep, that's $4800 in ultrasounds alone :( While I was having the ultra sounds done, I had 4 eggs that were maturing and by the time I had to take my trigger shot on the 6th (the shot that makes me ovulate) I had two eggs that were fully mature (one on each side). Let me tell you that the trigger shot is no picnic. It is a needle that is about 2 inches long and I have to stick it in the muscle of my bum. I did that myself too:) It sucked:) Anyway, the hope is that both ovaries will ovulate, so both eggs come out and at least one is fertilized and implanted. There is a high chance that only one side ovulated and also a chance that if they both ovulated, only one egg will implant. But there is a chance that both ovulated, both were fertilized and both will implant. I just hope I'm pregnant, twins or not:) (although a single baby will be plenty for me!) I start my progesterone treatment on Friday and go in for a blood test, to see if I'm pregnant, on the 22nd. I hope, I hope, I hope!! Think good thoughts:) Bring on the freakin' joys of pregnancy!!

Session #2...Keeping things in perspective

Things I have (and am extremely grateful for):
A wonderful husband and a beautiful son.
A family that loves me and would go to the ends of the earth for me.
A healthy body (my brain, on the other hand, that is tbd).
A healthy son.
A healthy husband.
A job (not my ideal but it helps pay the bills AND I get to have Cole with me all day).
A husband that has a job.
No broken bones.
No addictions (except for kissing Cole).
A house.
Food.
A car.
Cable :)
I can breath on my own.
I sleep well.
I have a very well behaved (in public) and happy little boy.
I have two arms, two legs, a torso and a head.

Things I don't have:
A properly functioning reproductive system.
An ideal body.
An ideal face.
No money worries.

As you can see, the good definitely outweighs the bad. And even my bad is a heck of a lot better than other peoples' bads. Keeping things in perspective is HARD. We are all so wrapped up in our own little worlds, that when things don't go as planned, we can sometimes be devastated by the most insignificant things. I think about how much effort and money it takes for me to get pregnant and I start to get sad and a bit self loathing. What I should be thinking is how thankful I am that I CAN get pregnant and I should be grateful that I live in a world where, not only can I afford the medicines but that I have access to medicines that can help me get pregnant. I think about the gadgets and "things" that I want and don't have, when I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head. It's, of course, tough to stay in this frame of mind but it's good for me to remind myself of how good I have it from time to time.

3/8 life crisis? Therapy session #1...

When I was 26 I had, what some would call, a quarter-life-crisis. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know what I was doing with my life and I didn't know where I wanted it to go. I focused mainly on the fact that I had no "passion". I didn't feel that my life was as fulfilling as it should be. I was pretty much freaking out on a daily basis. I cried alot. I sat alone and thought ALOT. Travis was as supportive as he could be but he didn't really know what to do because I couldn't tell him what he could do. I was mentally stuck in a rut and feeling horrible and confused. I don't really remember what finally snapped me out of it. In fact, I think it was a slow progression every day, not feeling as bad as the day before. That was around the time that Travis and I decided to have a baby. That proved to be a pretty difficult road and 4 years later (after alot of hormones, needles and money) we had our baby boy. Cole is absolutely the center of my life. He gives me a reason (sometimes the only reason) everyday to get up and go. I'm getting a bit off topic here but my point is that I am kind of feeling the way I felt when I was 26. Not as desperately hopeless as I felt and definitely NOT crying but there are similar feelings creeping in and out. I do wonder sometimes if maybe I'm clinically depressed. But I think it would be more often and more clear cut. I just seem to have bouts of weirdness every 4-5 years or so. Come to think of it, in 2001 I actually lost the ability to speak for 6 weeks. I know it sounds crazy but I developed a heavy stutter and eventually my jaw and neck would seize so bad when I'd try to speak , that I just couldn't any more. I went to a bunch of specialists (Ear Nose & Throat, Neurological, Speech Therapists) and no one could tell me what was up. My first doctor said I had Turret Syndrome!!??!! He was obviously a quack. Another doctor wondered if I had injested some chemical at the dentist's office where I worked. Another doctor said it was all psychosomatic, brought on by stress. That actually made the most sense to me but I definitely it also upset me because then I was thinking that it was all my fault. Thinking back on it, it makes sense (not complete sense because it was freakin' WEIRD) that my body reacted the way it did. I didn't choose not to speak but my body triggered something inside me to shut down. I often joked (on paper) that maybe it was punishment for talking too much :) I have always been a really stressed out person. I would guess that it stems back to my parents' divorce and how I desperately tried to hold it together and not let it look like it affected me. Over the years, my stress has taken on many forms...obsessive cracking knuckles, biting nails, cracking various other joints, including my neck, wrists, ankles and back, EATING, losing the ability to speak, fits of rage (breaking stuff). As I have gotten older, I have learned to deal with my stress a whole heck of a lot better. I talk about whatever I'm feeling and I don't bottle it up like I used to. I have infinite more patience than when I was younger, so I am able to calm myself down and talk through my anger or saddness before it turns into something crazy. I'm not perfect at this of course and there are things that I swallow (or talk to other people about) rather than confront the person with whom I have the problem. So, I'm wondering if the weight on my chest and lump in my throat is my body's not so subtle way of telling me I need to deal with some issues. If I really let myself think about it, I do have quite a few things that are weighing on me. Honestly though, I don't feel like it's anything more than usual and it is really pissing me off that I am feeling SO freakin' sad. I have been trying to cry with no success. So, I've given up on that and am now trying to focus on working through my issues or at least trying to change my situation, so that my issues won't be such "issues". I'm also focusing on the positive. I am so lucky I have Travis. I honestly don't know who else on this earth would put up with my craziness. After watching Cast Away the other night I had this brief conversation with him:
Me- "Honey?
Travis- "What?"
Me- "If you were ever on a plane that went down and everyone thought you were dead and I somehow managed to move on with my life (which I don't think I would) but if I did and you showed up and weren't dead, I would leave with you in a heartbeat."
Travis- "It wouldn't matter."
Me- "What wouldn't matter?"
Travis- "If you wanted to go with me or not."
Me- "Why?"
Travis- "Because I'd knock you out and take you with me anyway."

Now that's love people.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this.

Maybe it will be just so I can reflect back when I feel better.

I don't feel so well.

In fact, the better description of how I feel is "not right". For the last few weeks I have felt on the edge of tears but when I try to let them come, they don't. I can't seem to take a deep breath, I have a lump in my throat that I can't swallow, I feel super sick to my stomach and I get teary several times throughout the day at nothing and everything. But no real tears will come. If I didn't know better, I would guess I was pregnant or at least starting my period (tmi?) . But neither case is true.

The best way to describe how I feel is (now you can only relate if you've ever had your heart broken) like I've been dumped by the love of my life and he could care less but I am obliterated. I put on a happy face but it only makes the pain worse because the feelings inside me are waiting there just below the surface and the more I ignore them or pretend that everything is okay, the more of an explosion is waiting to erupt when I am finally alone.

Except, in this case, when I am alone, nothing happens. So I am expanding day by day with feelings of utter hopelessness and no way to release. Being dumped is, of course, not the situation that is happening to me right now. But having been dumped by a few people that I loved and "loved", I can say that this feeling is similar. I'm not sure where all of this is stemming from because I have been exceptionally happy for quite some time now. Not that things don't get me down on occasion but since Cole was born (minus Travis' absence for several months) I have been truly happy. Part of me wonders if THAT is why I feel off. Does your body, mind, soul (whatever you want to call it) just NEED to cry on occasion to keep yourself in balance? If that is the case, I wish I would just cry already and get it out of me, so that I can move on from this feeling. Another part of me (the worry wart) is feeling like I'm gearing up for something really horrible to happen to me or someone I know. I hope beyond hope that this theory is not the case. My last theory is that I let too many things build up inside me (good and bad) and don't express myself as well as I should. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I have been known to explode and unload on the wrong person for several things that I've been carrying around with me. I'm hoping that when this explosion comes, it doesn't land on the head of someone I love. I tried watching a few sad movies and I do tear up a bit but I'm not crying the way I should be. I'm not one to cry at movies but there are a few tear jerker films that, no matter how I'm feeling, will result in boohooing if I watch a certain scene. In this particular instance, no such luck. I also know that when Cole is around me, I can't cry. He makes me so happy it's retarded:) Even when he's being a pill, I giggle while I reprimand him(effective parenting, I know). So, I've been trying to waah it up after he goes to bed. I know this might seem strange to some (maybe even most) and it may just be because I'm a hormonally charged girl but this feeling that is living inside of me right now is making me...so incredibly sad. So, tonight I'll be watching more sadness. I'm not kidding here people, I truly believe the only remedy is a full on, tear your heart out, writhing on the floor, snotting in your mouth, boohoo fest. If I don't get it, I'm gonna go crazy. I just want to get back to center.

(Mom, don't worry, I'll be okay)

Quick Update

1. Cole is successfully off the bottle. It takes him a little longer to fall asleep but he's been a champion!
2. I had a hysteroscopy and had several polyps removed from my uterus. I had never been put under anesthesia and I was nervous but it ended up not being a big deal at all.
3. I have a post op check today and f everything is ok, I will start the baby making process.
4. It is HOT outside and every time I walk out to my car I feel bad for Travis who has to work outside in it ALL DAY LONG. He's a trooper though.
5. My cell phone broke and I have been waiting for a new one to come in the mail. It is still not here and I am starting to get angry.
6. My doctor has me on birth control pills to regulate my Flo. I do not do well on bcp. They give me headaches and I just feel angry inside. Not fun. It is kind of aggravating to think that since I have PCOS, I never needed to be on the dreaded pill to begin with. Years of torture for NO reason.
7. I miss my mom. I wish she came here to visit more often.
8. I am annoyed by people who honestly don't want to be friends with people because of their religious/political beliefs. I, for one, choose my friends based on the content of their character (cheesy but true). If I get along with you and we have fun together, why would I care who you voted for for president. People should just agree to disagree. If you get heated about it, don't talk about it. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!!!!!! And I wouldn't dream of trying to change yours (I'll just quietly feel bad for you that you are so deluded and misguided).
9. My days are monotonous at work. Cole is the only reason that makes me get up in the morning.
10. I miss my dad. He hasn't been to work in weeks and I miss seeing him there.
11. I'm a total slacker on the work out front. Since Cole got really sick, I haven't worked out once. Not once. I fell out of my routine and then Travis' work schedule changed. His schedule is back to normal now but I haven't gone back yet. I suck and I hate myself for sucking so hard.
12. I'm somewhat addicted to Facebook. I just pop on and off throughout the day but I pop on and off at least 20-30 times a day. I fear it is becoming a problem. Intervention? Maybe not just yet.
13. The Swine Flu (aka H1N1) is just the flu. What is it with the media WANTING to cause mass hysteria? I never would have seen that one coming...

No more bottle...dun dun duuuuuunnnnnn

So, my original plan for Cole was to get him off of his bottle by the time he turned 18 months. He didn't have bottles much for the first year or so of his life because I breast fed him like a mad woman:) I didn't want to have a kid who was super dependent on...really anything that went in his mouth. I know how addicting pacifiers and bottles and thumb sucking can be and how much they can screw up your teeth. So, no pacifier for my boy and bottles only came into play for first thing in the morning and a little bottle with each of his two naps. 18 months old snuck up on me much faster than I had anticipated but I still wanted to ween him off. My first inclination was to water down his milk until he just decided he didn't want it any more. I did that for about a week but he was still diggin' his bottle with his naps. Finally, yesterday I decided to just go cold turkey. I explained to him that the bottle was "all gone". He usually responds to things being all gone really well but he was a bit put off by the BOTTLE being "all gone". He was upset for the first few minutes of his naps but went straight to sleep. When it came time for bed, he was VERY upset and he doesn't get a bottle for bed time! He kept screaming, "Mommy! Bottle!! Mommy!! Bottle!!!!". I felt so bad! But I stuck to my guns and after about a half hour of screaming, he fell asleep. He woke up this morning though at 5 freakin' 30 AM and started screaming for a bottle. I tried to ignore him but after almost an hour, I couldn't take it any more. I grabbed his sippy cup with some milk and went in to him to start our day. He seemed to like having his milk in a sippy cup this morning and he watched cartoons on my bed while I took a shower. He's taking his first nap right now and he fell asleep quickly but was still upset that he didn't get a bottle. I know it is just a part of his routine for sleeping and it will take some time for him to let it go. He's a trooper though and I'm proud of him. Let's hope he sleeps in tomorrow!! I'm glad his bottle isn't an all day crutch kind of thing. I think it would be more of a shock and harder to get over, if it was. Here's to a bottle free baby boy! Go Cole!