I'm not sure why I'm writing about this.

Maybe it will be just so I can reflect back when I feel better.

I don't feel so well.

In fact, the better description of how I feel is "not right". For the last few weeks I have felt on the edge of tears but when I try to let them come, they don't. I can't seem to take a deep breath, I have a lump in my throat that I can't swallow, I feel super sick to my stomach and I get teary several times throughout the day at nothing and everything. But no real tears will come. If I didn't know better, I would guess I was pregnant or at least starting my period (tmi?) . But neither case is true.

The best way to describe how I feel is (now you can only relate if you've ever had your heart broken) like I've been dumped by the love of my life and he could care less but I am obliterated. I put on a happy face but it only makes the pain worse because the feelings inside me are waiting there just below the surface and the more I ignore them or pretend that everything is okay, the more of an explosion is waiting to erupt when I am finally alone.

Except, in this case, when I am alone, nothing happens. So I am expanding day by day with feelings of utter hopelessness and no way to release. Being dumped is, of course, not the situation that is happening to me right now. But having been dumped by a few people that I loved and "loved", I can say that this feeling is similar. I'm not sure where all of this is stemming from because I have been exceptionally happy for quite some time now. Not that things don't get me down on occasion but since Cole was born (minus Travis' absence for several months) I have been truly happy. Part of me wonders if THAT is why I feel off. Does your body, mind, soul (whatever you want to call it) just NEED to cry on occasion to keep yourself in balance? If that is the case, I wish I would just cry already and get it out of me, so that I can move on from this feeling. Another part of me (the worry wart) is feeling like I'm gearing up for something really horrible to happen to me or someone I know. I hope beyond hope that this theory is not the case. My last theory is that I let too many things build up inside me (good and bad) and don't express myself as well as I should. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I have been known to explode and unload on the wrong person for several things that I've been carrying around with me. I'm hoping that when this explosion comes, it doesn't land on the head of someone I love. I tried watching a few sad movies and I do tear up a bit but I'm not crying the way I should be. I'm not one to cry at movies but there are a few tear jerker films that, no matter how I'm feeling, will result in boohooing if I watch a certain scene. In this particular instance, no such luck. I also know that when Cole is around me, I can't cry. He makes me so happy it's retarded:) Even when he's being a pill, I giggle while I reprimand him(effective parenting, I know). So, I've been trying to waah it up after he goes to bed. I know this might seem strange to some (maybe even most) and it may just be because I'm a hormonally charged girl but this feeling that is living inside of me right now is making me...so incredibly sad. So, tonight I'll be watching more sadness. I'm not kidding here people, I truly believe the only remedy is a full on, tear your heart out, writhing on the floor, snotting in your mouth, boohoo fest. If I don't get it, I'm gonna go crazy. I just want to get back to center.

(Mom, don't worry, I'll be okay)

Quick Update

1. Cole is successfully off the bottle. It takes him a little longer to fall asleep but he's been a champion!
2. I had a hysteroscopy and had several polyps removed from my uterus. I had never been put under anesthesia and I was nervous but it ended up not being a big deal at all.
3. I have a post op check today and f everything is ok, I will start the baby making process.
4. It is HOT outside and every time I walk out to my car I feel bad for Travis who has to work outside in it ALL DAY LONG. He's a trooper though.
5. My cell phone broke and I have been waiting for a new one to come in the mail. It is still not here and I am starting to get angry.
6. My doctor has me on birth control pills to regulate my Flo. I do not do well on bcp. They give me headaches and I just feel angry inside. Not fun. It is kind of aggravating to think that since I have PCOS, I never needed to be on the dreaded pill to begin with. Years of torture for NO reason.
7. I miss my mom. I wish she came here to visit more often.
8. I am annoyed by people who honestly don't want to be friends with people because of their religious/political beliefs. I, for one, choose my friends based on the content of their character (cheesy but true). If I get along with you and we have fun together, why would I care who you voted for for president. People should just agree to disagree. If you get heated about it, don't talk about it. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!!!!!! And I wouldn't dream of trying to change yours (I'll just quietly feel bad for you that you are so deluded and misguided).
9. My days are monotonous at work. Cole is the only reason that makes me get up in the morning.
10. I miss my dad. He hasn't been to work in weeks and I miss seeing him there.
11. I'm a total slacker on the work out front. Since Cole got really sick, I haven't worked out once. Not once. I fell out of my routine and then Travis' work schedule changed. His schedule is back to normal now but I haven't gone back yet. I suck and I hate myself for sucking so hard.
12. I'm somewhat addicted to Facebook. I just pop on and off throughout the day but I pop on and off at least 20-30 times a day. I fear it is becoming a problem. Intervention? Maybe not just yet.
13. The Swine Flu (aka H1N1) is just the flu. What is it with the media WANTING to cause mass hysteria? I never would have seen that one coming...

No more bottle...dun dun duuuuuunnnnnn

So, my original plan for Cole was to get him off of his bottle by the time he turned 18 months. He didn't have bottles much for the first year or so of his life because I breast fed him like a mad woman:) I didn't want to have a kid who was super dependent on...really anything that went in his mouth. I know how addicting pacifiers and bottles and thumb sucking can be and how much they can screw up your teeth. So, no pacifier for my boy and bottles only came into play for first thing in the morning and a little bottle with each of his two naps. 18 months old snuck up on me much faster than I had anticipated but I still wanted to ween him off. My first inclination was to water down his milk until he just decided he didn't want it any more. I did that for about a week but he was still diggin' his bottle with his naps. Finally, yesterday I decided to just go cold turkey. I explained to him that the bottle was "all gone". He usually responds to things being all gone really well but he was a bit put off by the BOTTLE being "all gone". He was upset for the first few minutes of his naps but went straight to sleep. When it came time for bed, he was VERY upset and he doesn't get a bottle for bed time! He kept screaming, "Mommy! Bottle!! Mommy!! Bottle!!!!". I felt so bad! But I stuck to my guns and after about a half hour of screaming, he fell asleep. He woke up this morning though at 5 freakin' 30 AM and started screaming for a bottle. I tried to ignore him but after almost an hour, I couldn't take it any more. I grabbed his sippy cup with some milk and went in to him to start our day. He seemed to like having his milk in a sippy cup this morning and he watched cartoons on my bed while I took a shower. He's taking his first nap right now and he fell asleep quickly but was still upset that he didn't get a bottle. I know it is just a part of his routine for sleeping and it will take some time for him to let it go. He's a trooper though and I'm proud of him. Let's hope he sleeps in tomorrow!! I'm glad his bottle isn't an all day crutch kind of thing. I think it would be more of a shock and harder to get over, if it was. Here's to a bottle free baby boy! Go Cole!

Cole is 18 months old!

Cole turned 18 months old on the 13th! I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. He really enjoys playing with his cars and trucks and driving them all over the house. He is obsessed with elk and runs around the house mimicking their sound (they make a really weird screaming/whistling noise) and he's getting really good at it:) I've been teaching him his colors and he's getting pretty good at them. The only color that he gets without fail is orange:) I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that it is my favorite color? Hmmmm. He is a very smart boy and he surprises me everyday with the things he says and does. He really likes school buses and when we are driving home from work we see alot of them on the street and he points out every one and says,"Hiiiiiiiii bus!". He loves Spongebob Squarepants and sings along to the opening theme song:) He loves the song Single Ladies by Beyonce (I think he likes the beat). He sings the whoa oh oh part over and over again. In fact, last night after we put him to bed, Travis and I listened to him in the monitor singing it over and over again. He would switch back and forth between elk calls and singing Beyonce. The kid cracks me up! I love him. He is just so much fun. Oh, I almost forgot. It turns out that he didn't have pneumonia after all. We went to his pediatrician appointment and he said that quick care people always jump to pneumonia because they don't look at alot of childrens' chest x-rays. He told me to stop giving Cole the antibiotic he was on and that he would be just fine. He still has a tiny bit of a cough but he gets better and better everyday. I love his pediatrician. He is not big on antibiotics for kids and I really appreciate that. We are an overly medicated society, so it is a nice breath of fresh air. Anyway, Cole is happy and healthy and smart and cute:) Everyday when I get him dressed we talk about what is on his shirt (a deer, truck, car, dog, dinosaur, etc.) and he repeats it to me and anyone else he sees throughout the day. He's LOVING dinosaurs now too. He has just a couple little plastic ones that he got for Easter and he has a dinosaur book that he loves. Sometimes he crawls around growling and says in a grumbly voice, "dinosaurrrr rraaarrrr". Trambo and Wendy are his best friends and Wendy is getting more comfortable accepting his over-exhuberant love:) Trambo has put up with it for a while and I think he actually likes it most of the time when Cole hugs him from behind and just lays on him. Actually, as I am writing this all three of them are sitting in the sun in the living room and Cole is petting both their faces:) He loves them and they love him. Now he is butting Wendy in the head with his head! Oh the love! :) He was getting really good at potty training before he got so sick but we are slowly getting back on track with that again. He's still really good at telling me when he has to poop. The peeing part has fallen by the way side but I'm sure it will come back soon enough. I'm not in any hurry and I don't really care about having to change diapers. Well, that's a pretty good update on what my boy has been up to lately. I'm just working and still losing weight:) Travis is working and has been getting up earlier, which he likes because he doesn't have to be out in the heat for too long. But the heat that he does have to deal with drains him and he hasn't been too much help when he gets home. I understand that he is tired but I explained to him that I need a break (even if it is a tiny one) just to restart my focus and enthusiasm:) He's been getting better and I appreciate it. I love my boys!

I lost 11.98% of weight in 3 1/2 months!

But I lost the biggest loser competition, so I officially suck and I'm still bulbous. Congrats to Sarah Barlow for winning! I will be having my own loser competition after I have my next baby. So for those of you who want in, you have approx. one year to get as fat as you can, so you can lose a whole bunch of weight and win some cash:) Totally kidding of course! The smaller you start, the higher chance you have of winning (as long as you have some weight to lose). So get ready for Biggest Loser 2010!!

Where do I begin?

Tuesday afternoon, Cole started to act a little weird (grumpy and fussy) after his second nap. When we got home, he wanted me to hold him in the recliner, which is also weird because when we get home all he usually wants to do is run around a play. When I picked him up, he felt hot. I gave him some Tylenol and just held him. His fever went down and he felt better and played some. By the time it was time for bed again, his fever was back and he had a runny nose and a little cough. I gave him some more Tylenol and decided to see how he felt in the morning. He slept all night, not a peep, but when I went in to get him in the morning, he was ON FIRE. I gave him some Tylenol, called Travis and told him that we should probably go to the doctor. He asked if we could wait until after work and I said that as long as the Tylenol helped with his fever, then sure. We went to work and he pretty much just sat on me the whole time. His fever had gone down and he took his first nap like a champ. When he woke up he was burning up and the Tylenol I gave him did nothing and he started to get the shakes. I was seriously trying to put off the doctor because I didn't want to be one of those moms that runs to the doctor every time there is something going on. But I knew that it was time and I called Travis and told him we were going home and asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor with us. He said he did but that I had to come pick him up. So, I drove over to the other side of town, picked Travis up and we went to the quick care on Rancho. Cole fell asleep in the car and slept the entire time (he hardly EVER sleeps in the car). We got there and were happy to find that we were the only ones there!! Woohoo! No waiting! They took us back for the prescreening and took Cole's temperature. 103.3. All of the sudden people were moving in fast forward. They took us back to a big room with several beds and told us to take Cole's clothes off immediately. They said we had to cool him down so that he wouldn't have a seizure. Great. We stripped him down to his diaper and had him stretch out on the bed. He is always such a good little patient for his pediatrician but I didn't know how he would react to all of these people running around him and shining lights in his eyes and ears and throat. He was awesome!! We had talked about seeing the doctor when we were walking into the quick care, so he just kept repeating "Doctor?" whenever someone would walk up to the bed. Most of them were nurses, so they'd tell him that they weren't the doctor :) I explained to them that the Tylenol I had given him wasn't working anymore for his fever, so they dosed him up with Motrin and within 20 minutes, he was feeling MUCH better. Even smiling again:) Finally a doctor came in and Cole said, "Doctor?". The doctor was very nice and told him that he WAS the doctor, so Cole just kept saying doctor over and over again with a big grin on his face. The doctor listened to his lungs and said that they sounded clear but he just wanted to do a chest x-ray to be safe. Uh, ok? So I took him back for the x-ray and they wrapped him in this tight horrible plastic thing and I had to help hold his arms above his head while they took the x-ray. He didn't like it but he didn't cry. He just sat there and waited for it to be over. Even the x-ray tech said that he was the best 18 month old she'd ever seen :) Thank you, thank you very much ;) We went back to our bed and a little later the doctor came in and told us that Cole had Pneumonia. Wait...what?? He asked if anyone had been sick around him and I told him that my coworker (Guy) was sick but not with pneumonia. He said that it didn't matter if Guy had pneumonia, all he needed was to pass along bacteria to Cole and it could turn into pneumonia in him. So, he prescribed an antibiotic and we were sent on our way (Cole's temp dropped back down to normal while we were there waiting). He did tell us that if he started to struggle for breath or was just breathing weird (getting worse) we should come back immediately.

We got home around 7:30 at night and gave Cole dinner, a bath and his antibiotic and he went right to sleep by 8. Travis went to bed around 10 and I stayed up to catch up on some shows I had recorded. At about a quarter to 11, I heard Cole start to whimper a little and then, out of the monitor, came the most scary insane noise I have ever heard in my life!! I just sat there staring at the monitor, not understanding what was coming out of it. Cole let out a little cry and the noise came again. I honestly thought that the monitor was malfunctioning but then I realized that the noise was coming from Cole! I jumped up and hurried down the hallway. As I passed our room, I saw Travis sitting up in bed and he asked me what that noise was and when I told him it was Cole, he flew out of bed. The fact that this noise woke Travis up should explain how loud and horrible it was (Travis can sleep through ANYTHING, he has even slept during a category 5 hurricane!!) . We both went into Cole's room and he was just laying there, crying out and barking in. I decided we needed to go back to the doctor, so we loaded up and were on our way back at 11pm. While driving there, Travis asked if we really NEEDED to be going back and that maybe we should wait and see how he does. I told him that I'm not going to wait and see if he stops breathing altogether, so there was no question. The doctor we had seen before had gone home, so we saw another very nice doctor. He let us know that Cole now had Croup. When we explained that we had already been there earlier and that he had pneumonia, everything started moving fast again. The doctor explained that he personally had NEVER seen a child with Croup and Pneumonia at the same time. He also thought that there might be a chance that he was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic that he was given, so he called in a new prescription. They rushed us back to a bed and the doctor explained that they were going to give Cole a steroid shot and a breathing treatment and if he did not show signs of improvement in TWO hours (it was now midnight) they were going to admit him to the hospital. The needle for the steroid shot was probably the biggest needle (fat and long) that I have ever seen and they had to stick it into the muscle in his little thigh. I seriously thought the needle was going to go all the way through his leg :( He did not like that shot one bit and started to scream, which made him bark louder. It was terrible. The nurse said that it was good that he was crying because it would help him breath the medicine mist in deeper. She handed me the breathing mask (which looked like a fish, so we called it Nemo) and told me I had to hold it over his face as best as I could. Cole struggled at first but I started to sing to him and he calmed down and just breathed. He did a great job and kept talking about Nemo and pointing at the mask. After he was done with that, we had about an hour and a half to kill. Poor Travis had to be up for work at 5am, so I held Cole in a chair and let him sleep in the bed :) I could tell that Cole was tired but he was not about to go to sleep and miss all of the exciting stuff that was going on around him:) Plus, there were 3 other little kids there to look at. He was a trooper and just hung out on my lap eating ice chips out of a cup. After just a little while he stopped sounding so terrible and eventually he just made a little rattle when he breathed in. At 2am the doctor came to check on us and listened to Cole breathe and decided to send us home. Hallelujah! It took them about another 1/2 hour to release us and then we were on our way. On the way home, we stopped and picked up Cole's new prescription and gave it to him as soon as we got home. He went to sleep around 3:30am and woke up in the morning at 7:30am!! What the heck, right?! I, of course, stayed home from work and Cole set up camp on me all day. Travis came home from work at around 3pm, went to bed and had to be back up for work at 8pm THAT SAME DAY!!! Is that crappy timing or what?! He hasn't had to work during the night in a LONG time. So, he...well WE were all going on practically no sleep at all. Cole took some long naps during the day but I was too paranoid to sleep, so I just sat by his monitor listening to him breathe. He is doing much better now, with the exception that the new antibiotic gives him horrible diarrhea and diaper rash. Cole wasn't sick for the first year of his life and has never really had a diaper rash, so I think this is just the world's way of making sure I don't get too lax or cocky about my wonderful kid ;) I'm just glad he is a trooper and has such a good attitude with people. He is learning his colors now and before this whole sickness incident happened, he was getting really good at going to the bathroom in his potty chair!! What a kid! I love him so much!!!!

Losing again

I know I need to just stay off the scale. I have gone down 2 pant sizes!! That's an accomplishment:) I'm not getting on the scale until the weigh in for sure now. I know I still won't win but I will weigh in to see what my percentage of weight loss will be. I'm too hard on myself. I've changed my routine a bit and it seems to be working:

BIG bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (plain).
Veggie or fruit for snack.
Salad for lunch.
Fruit and a stick of cheese for snack.
Work out for no less than 45 minutes, usually on the eliptical listening to my Ipod (it makes the time FLY by and I just keep to the beat of the music). I shoot for burning at least 500 calories.
Fish or chicken for dinner (no more than 6 oz.) plus TONS of veggies & a small salad (I put the dressing on the side in a little cup and dip my fork in it before each bite. I saw it on the Biggest Loser and thought I'd give it a shot).
Lastly, (if I'm wanting something sweet) I eat a Weight Watcher's fruit/cream bar. They are HUGE and have hardly any calories.

It's definitely working and it doesn't feel totally overwhelming, like I'm on a diet. I'm just trying to lose as much as I can before I go try to get pregnant again. I'm making an appointment for the week after next to go to the fertility doctor to start my first round of shots. No time like the present, huh? I know I will keep working out while I'm pregnant and that will help me during my recovery from my next c-section. It doesn't seem so scary this time around because I know what I'm in for. At least I get to pick my kid's birthday! I was totally out of shape when I had Cole, so my recovery was HARD. I'm hoping that I'll be up and around (and off pain killers) after the first week. I won't have time to be bed ridden, I'll have TWO kids:) !!!! Wish me luck!