I'm not sure why I'm writing about this.

Maybe it will be just so I can reflect back when I feel better.

I don't feel so well.

In fact, the better description of how I feel is "not right". For the last few weeks I have felt on the edge of tears but when I try to let them come, they don't. I can't seem to take a deep breath, I have a lump in my throat that I can't swallow, I feel super sick to my stomach and I get teary several times throughout the day at nothing and everything. But no real tears will come. If I didn't know better, I would guess I was pregnant or at least starting my period (tmi?) . But neither case is true.

The best way to describe how I feel is (now you can only relate if you've ever had your heart broken) like I've been dumped by the love of my life and he could care less but I am obliterated. I put on a happy face but it only makes the pain worse because the feelings inside me are waiting there just below the surface and the more I ignore them or pretend that everything is okay, the more of an explosion is waiting to erupt when I am finally alone.

Except, in this case, when I am alone, nothing happens. So I am expanding day by day with feelings of utter hopelessness and no way to release. Being dumped is, of course, not the situation that is happening to me right now. But having been dumped by a few people that I loved and "loved", I can say that this feeling is similar. I'm not sure where all of this is stemming from because I have been exceptionally happy for quite some time now. Not that things don't get me down on occasion but since Cole was born (minus Travis' absence for several months) I have been truly happy. Part of me wonders if THAT is why I feel off. Does your body, mind, soul (whatever you want to call it) just NEED to cry on occasion to keep yourself in balance? If that is the case, I wish I would just cry already and get it out of me, so that I can move on from this feeling. Another part of me (the worry wart) is feeling like I'm gearing up for something really horrible to happen to me or someone I know. I hope beyond hope that this theory is not the case. My last theory is that I let too many things build up inside me (good and bad) and don't express myself as well as I should. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I have been known to explode and unload on the wrong person for several things that I've been carrying around with me. I'm hoping that when this explosion comes, it doesn't land on the head of someone I love. I tried watching a few sad movies and I do tear up a bit but I'm not crying the way I should be. I'm not one to cry at movies but there are a few tear jerker films that, no matter how I'm feeling, will result in boohooing if I watch a certain scene. In this particular instance, no such luck. I also know that when Cole is around me, I can't cry. He makes me so happy it's retarded:) Even when he's being a pill, I giggle while I reprimand him(effective parenting, I know). So, I've been trying to waah it up after he goes to bed. I know this might seem strange to some (maybe even most) and it may just be because I'm a hormonally charged girl but this feeling that is living inside of me right now is making me...so incredibly sad. So, tonight I'll be watching more sadness. I'm not kidding here people, I truly believe the only remedy is a full on, tear your heart out, writhing on the floor, snotting in your mouth, boohoo fest. If I don't get it, I'm gonna go crazy. I just want to get back to center.

(Mom, don't worry, I'll be okay)

Quick Update

1. Cole is successfully off the bottle. It takes him a little longer to fall asleep but he's been a champion!
2. I had a hysteroscopy and had several polyps removed from my uterus. I had never been put under anesthesia and I was nervous but it ended up not being a big deal at all.
3. I have a post op check today and f everything is ok, I will start the baby making process.
4. It is HOT outside and every time I walk out to my car I feel bad for Travis who has to work outside in it ALL DAY LONG. He's a trooper though.
5. My cell phone broke and I have been waiting for a new one to come in the mail. It is still not here and I am starting to get angry.
6. My doctor has me on birth control pills to regulate my Flo. I do not do well on bcp. They give me headaches and I just feel angry inside. Not fun. It is kind of aggravating to think that since I have PCOS, I never needed to be on the dreaded pill to begin with. Years of torture for NO reason.
7. I miss my mom. I wish she came here to visit more often.
8. I am annoyed by people who honestly don't want to be friends with people because of their religious/political beliefs. I, for one, choose my friends based on the content of their character (cheesy but true). If I get along with you and we have fun together, why would I care who you voted for for president. People should just agree to disagree. If you get heated about it, don't talk about it. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!!!!!! And I wouldn't dream of trying to change yours (I'll just quietly feel bad for you that you are so deluded and misguided).
9. My days are monotonous at work. Cole is the only reason that makes me get up in the morning.
10. I miss my dad. He hasn't been to work in weeks and I miss seeing him there.
11. I'm a total slacker on the work out front. Since Cole got really sick, I haven't worked out once. Not once. I fell out of my routine and then Travis' work schedule changed. His schedule is back to normal now but I haven't gone back yet. I suck and I hate myself for sucking so hard.
12. I'm somewhat addicted to Facebook. I just pop on and off throughout the day but I pop on and off at least 20-30 times a day. I fear it is becoming a problem. Intervention? Maybe not just yet.
13. The Swine Flu (aka H1N1) is just the flu. What is it with the media WANTING to cause mass hysteria? I never would have seen that one coming...

No more bottle...dun dun duuuuuunnnnnn

So, my original plan for Cole was to get him off of his bottle by the time he turned 18 months. He didn't have bottles much for the first year or so of his life because I breast fed him like a mad woman:) I didn't want to have a kid who was super dependent on...really anything that went in his mouth. I know how addicting pacifiers and bottles and thumb sucking can be and how much they can screw up your teeth. So, no pacifier for my boy and bottles only came into play for first thing in the morning and a little bottle with each of his two naps. 18 months old snuck up on me much faster than I had anticipated but I still wanted to ween him off. My first inclination was to water down his milk until he just decided he didn't want it any more. I did that for about a week but he was still diggin' his bottle with his naps. Finally, yesterday I decided to just go cold turkey. I explained to him that the bottle was "all gone". He usually responds to things being all gone really well but he was a bit put off by the BOTTLE being "all gone". He was upset for the first few minutes of his naps but went straight to sleep. When it came time for bed, he was VERY upset and he doesn't get a bottle for bed time! He kept screaming, "Mommy! Bottle!! Mommy!! Bottle!!!!". I felt so bad! But I stuck to my guns and after about a half hour of screaming, he fell asleep. He woke up this morning though at 5 freakin' 30 AM and started screaming for a bottle. I tried to ignore him but after almost an hour, I couldn't take it any more. I grabbed his sippy cup with some milk and went in to him to start our day. He seemed to like having his milk in a sippy cup this morning and he watched cartoons on my bed while I took a shower. He's taking his first nap right now and he fell asleep quickly but was still upset that he didn't get a bottle. I know it is just a part of his routine for sleeping and it will take some time for him to let it go. He's a trooper though and I'm proud of him. Let's hope he sleeps in tomorrow!! I'm glad his bottle isn't an all day crutch kind of thing. I think it would be more of a shock and harder to get over, if it was. Here's to a bottle free baby boy! Go Cole!