Halloween...finally:)

So, for the sake of my kiddo (and my own horrible memory), I am posting about Halloween. It might be a month late but I wanted to make sure that Cole knows (when he's older) that we celebrated it and that he was the cutest little dog in the world!! My mom came down to see us and we went trick or treating at The District (the shopping center next to Green Valley Ranch Casino). They had little booths set up that all the kids could go up to and say trick or treat and I'm happy to say that by the end of the night, Cole was a master at saying it:) We also stopped by quite a few of the stores to t.o.t as well. Everyone, of course thought Cole was adorable but I have to admit that my man stole the show! As you can see in the pictures, he went as a very pregnant lady (in honor of our impending babe)! He was incredibly unattractive and turned many heads. Dudes called him very brave and ladies mostly just laughed and pointed. Some people even stopped him and had him take pictures with their confused children! I was a clown, my mom was a cowgirl and Louisa was a fairy. We started t.o.ting at around 5pm and were done by almost 7...it was perfect! And so much better than wandering around our depressing neighborhood looking for a house that was handing out candy. I am quite disappointed in the down turn that our little neighborhood has taken over the years. I remember when I was a kid in this neighborhood and would come home with a TON of candy. Nowadays, it's pretty dark and gloomy and pretty much no one is walking around. But I am happy at how successful we were at The District. I also feel more comfortable about the kind of candy that they were handing out. Oh, I forgot to say that earlier that day, we went to a "kid" fair in the parking lot of Sunset Station to find a pumpkin. Cole and I had gone the day before but I didn't end up getting a pumpkin because we had too much fun. Cole got to pet some animals at a little petting zoo thingy and he rode on the swings (a mini version of the kind that spin around) and a choo choo train:) Cole was hilarious on the swings and the choo choo train! When he is SUPER excited about something, he almost shuts down completely. You can see a smile lingering behind his eyes but it's almost as if things are too awesome and he doesn't know how to handle it. He was also SO excited about the petting zoo. It was his first encounter with live goats, bunnies and chickens (he's seen ducks before, although he had never pet one). I explained to him that he couldn't chase them and that he needed to be nice and slow but he could pet them if he wanted. He was such a good boy. He pet EVERYTHING over and over (except for the chickens, they just ran away). He kept saying, "hi goats" over and over again and would walk up to them very slowly and pet them:) I think the bunnies were his favorite. He called them bunny...pause...rabbits:) They were sleeping in the sun and pretty much didn't move a muscle, even when you touched them. I actually would have thought they were dead if I hadn't seen their noses moving:) So anyway, we decided to go back the next day with Travis and my mom and got to do it all over again (minus the petting zoo, which they had taken down...bummer). Back to that night...Cole was thrilled with his candy but I gotta tell you, the kid is an anomaly. He is the only kid I have ever met that will take a single lick of a sucker or a bite of a mini candy bar and then tell me he's done. He does it with bowls of ice cream, popsicles and other savory treats. I definitely appreciate his restrain but I have no idea where it comes from:) Needless to say, he went through his candy pretty fast and really only ate about a 1/3 of it. Eventually, he stopped asking for it all together after we'd get home from work. So, that's the story of 2009 Halloween...enjoy the pics!

Cole is TWO!

Okay, so I haven't blogged in approximately forever:) I pretty much don't go on my computer at home any more since I got $1400 stolen from my bank account through Ebay. It was a lame fiasco and I finally ended up getting my money back, disconnecting my wireless router and buying a new home computer. It is decked out with security from head to toe, so let's hope that nothing like that ever happens again:) Anyway...almost a month ago, my boy turned TWO!! I cannot believe how fast time has gone by. Cole is amazing! He is putting together three & four word sentences and is such a great little helper. He loves to take out the trash and he helps me change loads of laundry from the washer to the dryer. He also likes to help sweep the wood floors and put towels away in the cupboard. I know that when I have this baby, he will be such a good helper with him as well. I'll definitely be putting him to work and I'm pretty sure he'll love it:) Anyway, for his birthday we had the whole family come over (minus my mom and sister Sarah) and celebrate with pizza and, of course, a bundt cake! We had a Mickey Mouse candle for him to blow out and he blew it out all by himself. He LOVED when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him:) He has gotten pretty used to going to birthday parties because we have about 10 a month with the Stanleys;) So, he was extra excited that HE got to open the presents at this one. He loves to play with his cousins (oddly enough, he loves to play with his oldest cousin, Jaden, the most). I think she is just more interactive with him because she is older and besides, she is cute as a button, and Cole has always had a thing for the ladies;) Cole got some pretty cool stuff for his birthday that he just LOVES to play with. He got a lawn mower, a fishing pole, a cool tow truck magnet puzzle, a fire truck, some jets, balloons, a walking dinosaur and some other fun stuff I can't remember right now:) Travis and I got him a horse that he can ride (you know the kind with springs that has been around since forever)! He loves it! It makes trotting and neighing noises and he's gotten used to riding it pretty hard. He is honestly just too cute for words sometimes. He has also been throwing some legendary tantrums! Talk about the terrible twos! I feel so bad for him sometimes because I can tell that he has no idea why he is so upset or what he even wants, so it is impossible for me to help him. We have implemented short bursts of time out on the couch or on the kitchen chair. He only sits there for about 20 or 30 seconds but it definitely gets the point across. I explain to him what he did and that he shouldn't do it again and he usually responds with an "okay" and then he can get down. He usually gets time outs because he is being too rough with the dogs or just plain not listening. But usually after his time out, he changes his behavior (at least for a little while) so I think that time outs work pretty well for him:) My mom came to visit over the Halloween weekend and they had a great time together. I love that even though he doesn't get to see my mom or Sarah very often, he still just loves them to pieces:) I'll try to get some pictures up in a few days of his birthday and Halloween but right now I have to go play ;)

Blogging again...

It's funny that I read other blogs and get annoyed when they aren't updated at least weekly:) I'm a hypocrite. Not too much has been going on with me and I guess my only excuse for not blogging is that I have been extremely sick, extremely tired and my brain is mostly mush. This pregnancy is seriously kicking my butt. I'm starting to think it might be a girl, not only because she's already giving me grief but I don't crave junk food like I did when I was pregnant with Cole (maybe she's trying to watch her figure, lol). I actually haven't gained a pound since I became pregnant. I gained 80 pounds with Cole, so it's kind of nice to think I might not become a whale:) If it is a girl, Travis and I are definitely in trouble because we cannot agree on a name to save our lives. We have a few boy names that are in the running, so we'd be set if it's a boy. Oh well, I guess we'll find out in approximately 9 weeks:)
Cole got a big boy short haircut last weekend and it made me sad. He is , of course, adorable as ever but it makes him look so much older and so much like other little boys. I loved his curly hair and nothing about him looked like a girl to me, so it annoyed me that people gave me such a hard time about cutting his hair. That kid is ALL boy:) I'll get around to putting pictures up sometime soon...I hope, if I have the energy, lol. Cole has one of his two year molars in and a second one is on its way. He was a big ol' crank when the one came in but this one doesn't seem to be too bad. Except he hates having his teeth brushed on the bottom. He is such a spunky kid!! His vocabulary is growing and he has conversations with me all of the time about random things:) He saw a small part of the movie Evolution two weeks ago and he is still talking to me about the dinosaur flying through the mall and it getting shot down. There is also a big nasty blue money thing that gets shot too. Here is what he says to me on pretty much a daily basis, "Mom, mom, mom...dinosaur, bird, gun, BOOM, monkey, monkey, gun, BOOM!" He repeats this a few hundred times and I agree with him and tell him, yes yes they shot the dinosaur with the gun, it went boom and yes they shot the monkey with the gun and it went boom. Probably not the ideal movie I would choose for my kiddo to watch or hold in his little brain bucket but Travis is an avid hunter and I know that he will be exposed to guns eventually, so who cares if mythical creatures are being blown away:) I wouldn't want him to see people being shot with guns, not yet anyway. I'm sure cowboy movies are right around the corner. Cole is still potty training himself quite successfully. I let him run around naked and he hasn't had a single accident in forever. The only problem is that when he he is dressed, he doesn't usually tell me that he has to go. If he is in a diaper, he'll take it off to go on his potty. I'm sure he'll grasp the concept eventually and I am already so proud that he pretty much potty trained himself and he's not even two yet! Such a smart boy:) He also definitely loves his mama:) He is so loving and cuddly. I'm soaking up as much as I can and I don't try to think about the day when he won't want to snuggle with me any more. I love my boy so much, sometimes I just sit and watch him while he is playing and I can't believe that he is all mine, forever:) I think he is going to make a wonderful big brother! He LOVES babies! In fact, he calls everyone that isn't an adult, a baby. He saw a little girl in Home Depot that had to have been at least 7 or 8 and he walked up to her with his arms out stretched and his little head cocked to one side and said, "baaaby". He's too sweet. Well, my brain is officially mush again and I can't think of anything else to write:) So, to sum up: Cole is awesome, I'm sick as a dog and dog tired (I'm a dog) and I can't wait to find out what sex this baby is:) Nigh night peeps!

Baby A

Now, I'm not having twins. In fact, according to my ultrasound tech this morning it was never confirmed that I was having twins, even though they told me I was. I'm sad a little but mostly just annoyed that I wasn't told that there was a chance that I wasn't having twins. I went to my regular office today and saw my regular ultrasound tech (she was on vacation when I had my first ultrasound). She came in to the room and gave me a hug, told me congratulations and said, "so, were looking for twins maybe?". I said, "maybe?" and she just asked me to lie down and said she would take a look. Baby A came up on the ultrasound and I saw its heart flickering away and she said it was a good size. Then she moved over to "Baby B" and said that there was nothing inside the gestational sac. She asked me if I was okay and I said I was. She said there is a possibility that she can't see an yolk sac inside the gestational sac because it could be pressed up against the wall but she's pretty sure that there is nothing inside of the sac. She asked the girl that was taking down the measurements what the measurements were for the yolk sac for Baby B the last time. She said that there were no measurements for either yolk sac from the last time and that it said they were not visible and could not be determined. So, she told me that there was probably never really anything in Baby B's gestational sac. I'm angry that no one bothered to tell me this the last time. Don't I have a right to know what is going on inside my own body?! Even if it is a little disheartening to tell me that they don't see anything, isn't that better than telling me I'm having twins when I'm not. I'm a little saddened but also a bit relieved. One is definitely easier than two. And I think Cole will have an easier time with only one baby taking over the spotlight for a bit:) I'm am thrilled that the baby is doing well and I guess that's all I can really ask for.

That explains it!

I'm having TWINS!!!!!!!!! I don't even think it has truly hit me yet and I don't know when it will:) But I think it explains why I'm so wiped out SO early in this pregnancy! I went in for my appointment this morning, full on expecting one baby. I honestly didn't even prepare myself for the possibility of two. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, as with any pregnancy, but did not think I would ever be pregnant with twins. I laid down for the ultrasound and the screen was turned toward the technician. She was quiet for a while and then gave some measurements to the other girl in the room. When I was pregnant with Cole, the second he showed up on the monitor, she told me, "there it is!". This time it was quiet for far too long, so I asked if everything was okay and she turned the monitor around and said with a smile, "You've got two." I honestly gasped and said, "Ohhhhhhhhhhh". So, Travis was right again!! I really have to document that because it happens so rarely, lol. Anyway, I keep having flashes of all the stuff I did with Cole when he was first born and now I'm going to do it all over again, only this time with TWO babies. I'm kind of freaking out actually, which is probably a pretty healthy response:) Man, that's gonna be a lot of diapers! And a lot of feedings!! And a lot of clothes!! And a TON of POO!! Let's face it, it will be a lot of EVERYTHING. I'm really not worried though, I have a great support system. Between mine and Travis' families, I've got a TON of people to help me out. I'm mostly just worried for Cole. Even though I know he'll be fine, I think I'll miss it just being me and him. He is my little buddy, my little shadow. I don't ever want to be too busy to be with him and give him the attention that he needs. Man, I love that little dude:) Anyway, I'm super excited and freaked out! I get to go in in two weeks for an ultrasound and we get to see the heartbeatsssssss!! I'm going to have to get used to pluralizing this pregnancy...babies, heartbeats, them, etc. It's INSANE! Some of the best news is that I'm done having kids:) I only wanted three (Travis only wanted two, haha) so I'm tapping out after these little buggers come along. No more shots or procedures for me! Woohoo! With my luck, I'll get pregnant on my own when these two are only a year old or something...I shouldn't even say that out loud ;) Anywho...bring it on babies! Let's get to growing!! My due date is March first but since twins usually come early, I'm shooting for mid-end of February!! I've got to keep them cooking for as long as possible!

Who dat, who dere?

How is it possible to be this tired already?! I seriously want to sleep all of the time. I'm usually okay for a few hours in the morning but by 11am, I am seriously dragging booty. I don't remember being this tired until I was at least a few months pregnant with Cole. Ugh! I'm getting my cot back at work, so that I can take a nap when Cole takes a nap. Nice. I'm so excited I have an appointment to go in on Tuesday for my first ultra sound. They'll be telling me my due date and seeing how many kids I have developing in there. I'm pretty sure it's only one but Travis is convinced that it's two. I think it's just wishful thinking on both our parts. It would be easier for me with only one and it will be the same amount of ease either way for Travis:) I think he just wants to be done with having kids and if we have two now, he knows we're done. And there won't be any more money to spend on trying to get me pregnant:) I worry a little about Cole if we have more than one. I'm sure it will be hard enough to adjust with only one but with two, I won't have an extra arm for him:( I'm pretty sur eit's only one though. Only Tuesday will tell! Man I need a nap:)

Good News!!

Yesterday at 2:30 pm, my doctor called me and told me the good news! We're pregnant!! Of course it is very early and I would prefer to wait until I'm in the clear (through my first trimester) but the way that I have to get pregnant doesn't leave much to the imagination. Everyone in my family knew when I was inseminated and everyone in my family knew when the blood test would be to determine if I was pregnant or not, so I figured I might as well share with everyone:) I was totally preparing myself for bad news, just so I wouldn't be too devastated if it didn't work. Travis kept telling me I was pregnant but when I told him that I was, he sounded pretty surprised. We hoped that we would be pregnant, not only because we want another kid but also because we knew we would have to wait quite a while to do it again, since it was so expensive. So, I can proudly say that I already have a thrifty baby!! Only one shot and we got him/her. The funny thing is that we had to try three times for Cole and that was still heaper than this one time! Ooh, more exciting news, I have to go in in about a week for an ultrasound to find out how many kids I have in me! Holy crap, right?! I had two mature eggs, which I think I included in my previous blog, so we have to check and see if one or both took. I'm hoping for one, just because it would be easier (as easy as having a newborn can be) but twins would be...interesting:) I have been put on a crazy regimen of progesterone and estrogen pills and creams. It is seriously insane how many pills I have to take during the day. But I, of course, am very diligent because I want to keep this little sucker in me and growing! I have to take TWO progesterone pills FOUR times a day, TWO estrogen pills THREE times a day and I have to insert a progesterone cream in my hoohaa (lol) TWO times a day!! Seriously, are my hormones out of whack or what?! Oh well, I'm just thrilled that it worked!! I can' believe I'm pregnant!!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! I already have a boy name picked out (no idea what the middle name will be) but if it is a girl I don't know what we'll name her. Travis is stuck on the name Janet, after his mom. He honestly won't budge:) He hates every other girl name I have suggested:) I told him I would consider it as a middle name. Janet just seems like such a grown up name. It's hard for me to picture a baby named Janet. Maybe it's just me:) Anyway, we are super and yeasterday I made my million phone calls to Travis' family and a few to mine:) I appreciate so much how happy everyone is for us and how supportive they are with all of the crazy crap we have to go through to get pregnant. I think I want one more after this but Travis says if we have a girl, we're done. He's funny to think he has a say in the matter:) lol I think we'll see how this baby turns out and then we'll decide if we'll have one more. Now ou all get to look forward to pregnancy blogs for the next 10 months!! Woohoo! I know you're all excited!!

Trying for baby #2!

So, Travis & I decided around March to go ahead and go in to try for another baby. I went to my fertility specialist to check on my PCOS (hormone levels and such) and it was confirmed that I still have it and still need help getting pregnant. I had a consultation appointment with Dr. Shapiro and he said that we could get started immediately. First we had to do blood work on me and Travis and a sperm check on Travis (his favorite thing to do). We both showed up for our appointment and were promptly told that we had to do all of our stuff at Quest Diagnostics because my insurance didn't cover it being done in their office. We were a little annoyed that w weren't told to make the appointment at Quest in the beginning. We went to Quest on a Saturday morning (HUGE MISTAKE) and waited in line, with Cole, for over an hour. And when I got to the front of the line I was told that they had no record of my blood order that was supposedly sent from Dr. Shapiro's office, so they couldn't draw my blood. Also, Travis showed up with his sperm in a cup and was told that they only process sperm on weekdays. Ugh! So, we both had to go back on our own during the week to get our stuff done. Then, they put me on birth control pills to make sure I didn't ovulate while they were waiting for test results and approvals from my insurance company to go ahead. I had to go in for a test where they put a catheter through my cervix, fill my uterus with fluid and check out the lining. When Dr. Shapiro tried to thread the catheter through my cervix, he couldn't because he said there was an "obstruction". He tried THREE times to get the catheter to go in and every time I was ready to scream. It was probably one of the worst pains I have ever felt in my life. The cervix is technically only supposed to be open when you are ovulating or are in labor. Otherwise it is one tightly closed little mouth. So, to have someone trying to jam a good sized catheter through there was enough to pretty much make me want to kill him. He stopped after 3 tries because he saw (and heard) how much pain I was in and scheduled me to have a hysteroscopy. The good news was that the first procedure he was trying to do was not covered by insurance, so it would have cost me $900. Since he was unsuccessful I didn't have to pay a dime and the hysteroscopy was covered by insurance completely. I'm pretty sure I already blogged about the hysteroscopy but here a quick synopsis. I had to go under anesthesia and I was scared. I went in, went under and was on my way home in less than two hours. I had to go in about a week later to get the results of the hysterscopy and was told that I had polyps, he removed them and they weren't cancerous. He also told me that everything was a go to start my shots, so I needed to stop taking my birth control pills and call with the first day of my period (if this is grossing any boys out, suck it up). I stopped taking the pill and called 5 days later with my first day. They scheduled me an appointment to come in for blood work and to order my shots from the pharmacy. The night before my appointment, I was called and told that insurance had not approved my cycle yet and that it hadn't even been put in for approval until that day! I should have known better than to listen to the doctor and stop taking my pill. I should have asked the girls in the office, they are the ones that really know what's going on. Anyway, I was a little freaked because I had stopped taking the pill and already started my period, so I didn't want to wait another month before I could start my shot cycle. They told me to start taking the pill again and that when my period stopped and insurance had approved the cycle, to stop the pill again and call with the first day of my next period. It just so happens that insurance was approved the very next day but we had already passed the 3rd day of my period, which is the day they have to do blood work and get a base line ultrasound, so I was screwed. My period stopped about 4 days later and I stopped taking the pill and started my period 3 days later. I gotta tell you, the female body is whackadoo! The way we can be so easily manipulated by a dosage of hormones is crazy to me. Anyway, I went in for my base line ultra sound and everything looked good. So, I started my shots on May 27th. I was a little hesitant about giving myself the shots but after I did the first one, I remembered how easy it was and gave them to myself every night with no problems. My little sister Louisa even watched me do it one night and was quite impressed:) So I took a shot every night and had to go in every three days for an ultra sound. This time around, my insurance doesn't cover as much as it did last time, so EVERY time I had to have an ultrasound I had to pay $800!! Yeah, that sucked. I had an ultra sound on the 25th, 27th, 30th, 2nd, 5th and 6th. Yep, that's $4800 in ultrasounds alone :( While I was having the ultra sounds done, I had 4 eggs that were maturing and by the time I had to take my trigger shot on the 6th (the shot that makes me ovulate) I had two eggs that were fully mature (one on each side). Let me tell you that the trigger shot is no picnic. It is a needle that is about 2 inches long and I have to stick it in the muscle of my bum. I did that myself too:) It sucked:) Anyway, the hope is that both ovaries will ovulate, so both eggs come out and at least one is fertilized and implanted. There is a high chance that only one side ovulated and also a chance that if they both ovulated, only one egg will implant. But there is a chance that both ovulated, both were fertilized and both will implant. I just hope I'm pregnant, twins or not:) (although a single baby will be plenty for me!) I start my progesterone treatment on Friday and go in for a blood test, to see if I'm pregnant, on the 22nd. I hope, I hope, I hope!! Think good thoughts:) Bring on the freakin' joys of pregnancy!!

Session #2...Keeping things in perspective

Things I have (and am extremely grateful for):
A wonderful husband and a beautiful son.
A family that loves me and would go to the ends of the earth for me.
A healthy body (my brain, on the other hand, that is tbd).
A healthy son.
A healthy husband.
A job (not my ideal but it helps pay the bills AND I get to have Cole with me all day).
A husband that has a job.
No broken bones.
No addictions (except for kissing Cole).
A house.
Food.
A car.
Cable :)
I can breath on my own.
I sleep well.
I have a very well behaved (in public) and happy little boy.
I have two arms, two legs, a torso and a head.

Things I don't have:
A properly functioning reproductive system.
An ideal body.
An ideal face.
No money worries.

As you can see, the good definitely outweighs the bad. And even my bad is a heck of a lot better than other peoples' bads. Keeping things in perspective is HARD. We are all so wrapped up in our own little worlds, that when things don't go as planned, we can sometimes be devastated by the most insignificant things. I think about how much effort and money it takes for me to get pregnant and I start to get sad and a bit self loathing. What I should be thinking is how thankful I am that I CAN get pregnant and I should be grateful that I live in a world where, not only can I afford the medicines but that I have access to medicines that can help me get pregnant. I think about the gadgets and "things" that I want and don't have, when I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head. It's, of course, tough to stay in this frame of mind but it's good for me to remind myself of how good I have it from time to time.

3/8 life crisis? Therapy session #1...

When I was 26 I had, what some would call, a quarter-life-crisis. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know what I was doing with my life and I didn't know where I wanted it to go. I focused mainly on the fact that I had no "passion". I didn't feel that my life was as fulfilling as it should be. I was pretty much freaking out on a daily basis. I cried alot. I sat alone and thought ALOT. Travis was as supportive as he could be but he didn't really know what to do because I couldn't tell him what he could do. I was mentally stuck in a rut and feeling horrible and confused. I don't really remember what finally snapped me out of it. In fact, I think it was a slow progression every day, not feeling as bad as the day before. That was around the time that Travis and I decided to have a baby. That proved to be a pretty difficult road and 4 years later (after alot of hormones, needles and money) we had our baby boy. Cole is absolutely the center of my life. He gives me a reason (sometimes the only reason) everyday to get up and go. I'm getting a bit off topic here but my point is that I am kind of feeling the way I felt when I was 26. Not as desperately hopeless as I felt and definitely NOT crying but there are similar feelings creeping in and out. I do wonder sometimes if maybe I'm clinically depressed. But I think it would be more often and more clear cut. I just seem to have bouts of weirdness every 4-5 years or so. Come to think of it, in 2001 I actually lost the ability to speak for 6 weeks. I know it sounds crazy but I developed a heavy stutter and eventually my jaw and neck would seize so bad when I'd try to speak , that I just couldn't any more. I went to a bunch of specialists (Ear Nose & Throat, Neurological, Speech Therapists) and no one could tell me what was up. My first doctor said I had Turret Syndrome!!??!! He was obviously a quack. Another doctor wondered if I had injested some chemical at the dentist's office where I worked. Another doctor said it was all psychosomatic, brought on by stress. That actually made the most sense to me but I definitely it also upset me because then I was thinking that it was all my fault. Thinking back on it, it makes sense (not complete sense because it was freakin' WEIRD) that my body reacted the way it did. I didn't choose not to speak but my body triggered something inside me to shut down. I often joked (on paper) that maybe it was punishment for talking too much :) I have always been a really stressed out person. I would guess that it stems back to my parents' divorce and how I desperately tried to hold it together and not let it look like it affected me. Over the years, my stress has taken on many forms...obsessive cracking knuckles, biting nails, cracking various other joints, including my neck, wrists, ankles and back, EATING, losing the ability to speak, fits of rage (breaking stuff). As I have gotten older, I have learned to deal with my stress a whole heck of a lot better. I talk about whatever I'm feeling and I don't bottle it up like I used to. I have infinite more patience than when I was younger, so I am able to calm myself down and talk through my anger or saddness before it turns into something crazy. I'm not perfect at this of course and there are things that I swallow (or talk to other people about) rather than confront the person with whom I have the problem. So, I'm wondering if the weight on my chest and lump in my throat is my body's not so subtle way of telling me I need to deal with some issues. If I really let myself think about it, I do have quite a few things that are weighing on me. Honestly though, I don't feel like it's anything more than usual and it is really pissing me off that I am feeling SO freakin' sad. I have been trying to cry with no success. So, I've given up on that and am now trying to focus on working through my issues or at least trying to change my situation, so that my issues won't be such "issues". I'm also focusing on the positive. I am so lucky I have Travis. I honestly don't know who else on this earth would put up with my craziness. After watching Cast Away the other night I had this brief conversation with him:
Me- "Honey?
Travis- "What?"
Me- "If you were ever on a plane that went down and everyone thought you were dead and I somehow managed to move on with my life (which I don't think I would) but if I did and you showed up and weren't dead, I would leave with you in a heartbeat."
Travis- "It wouldn't matter."
Me- "What wouldn't matter?"
Travis- "If you wanted to go with me or not."
Me- "Why?"
Travis- "Because I'd knock you out and take you with me anyway."

Now that's love people.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this.

Maybe it will be just so I can reflect back when I feel better.

I don't feel so well.

In fact, the better description of how I feel is "not right". For the last few weeks I have felt on the edge of tears but when I try to let them come, they don't. I can't seem to take a deep breath, I have a lump in my throat that I can't swallow, I feel super sick to my stomach and I get teary several times throughout the day at nothing and everything. But no real tears will come. If I didn't know better, I would guess I was pregnant or at least starting my period (tmi?) . But neither case is true.

The best way to describe how I feel is (now you can only relate if you've ever had your heart broken) like I've been dumped by the love of my life and he could care less but I am obliterated. I put on a happy face but it only makes the pain worse because the feelings inside me are waiting there just below the surface and the more I ignore them or pretend that everything is okay, the more of an explosion is waiting to erupt when I am finally alone.

Except, in this case, when I am alone, nothing happens. So I am expanding day by day with feelings of utter hopelessness and no way to release. Being dumped is, of course, not the situation that is happening to me right now. But having been dumped by a few people that I loved and "loved", I can say that this feeling is similar. I'm not sure where all of this is stemming from because I have been exceptionally happy for quite some time now. Not that things don't get me down on occasion but since Cole was born (minus Travis' absence for several months) I have been truly happy. Part of me wonders if THAT is why I feel off. Does your body, mind, soul (whatever you want to call it) just NEED to cry on occasion to keep yourself in balance? If that is the case, I wish I would just cry already and get it out of me, so that I can move on from this feeling. Another part of me (the worry wart) is feeling like I'm gearing up for something really horrible to happen to me or someone I know. I hope beyond hope that this theory is not the case. My last theory is that I let too many things build up inside me (good and bad) and don't express myself as well as I should. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I have been known to explode and unload on the wrong person for several things that I've been carrying around with me. I'm hoping that when this explosion comes, it doesn't land on the head of someone I love. I tried watching a few sad movies and I do tear up a bit but I'm not crying the way I should be. I'm not one to cry at movies but there are a few tear jerker films that, no matter how I'm feeling, will result in boohooing if I watch a certain scene. In this particular instance, no such luck. I also know that when Cole is around me, I can't cry. He makes me so happy it's retarded:) Even when he's being a pill, I giggle while I reprimand him(effective parenting, I know). So, I've been trying to waah it up after he goes to bed. I know this might seem strange to some (maybe even most) and it may just be because I'm a hormonally charged girl but this feeling that is living inside of me right now is making me...so incredibly sad. So, tonight I'll be watching more sadness. I'm not kidding here people, I truly believe the only remedy is a full on, tear your heart out, writhing on the floor, snotting in your mouth, boohoo fest. If I don't get it, I'm gonna go crazy. I just want to get back to center.

(Mom, don't worry, I'll be okay)

Quick Update

1. Cole is successfully off the bottle. It takes him a little longer to fall asleep but he's been a champion!
2. I had a hysteroscopy and had several polyps removed from my uterus. I had never been put under anesthesia and I was nervous but it ended up not being a big deal at all.
3. I have a post op check today and f everything is ok, I will start the baby making process.
4. It is HOT outside and every time I walk out to my car I feel bad for Travis who has to work outside in it ALL DAY LONG. He's a trooper though.
5. My cell phone broke and I have been waiting for a new one to come in the mail. It is still not here and I am starting to get angry.
6. My doctor has me on birth control pills to regulate my Flo. I do not do well on bcp. They give me headaches and I just feel angry inside. Not fun. It is kind of aggravating to think that since I have PCOS, I never needed to be on the dreaded pill to begin with. Years of torture for NO reason.
7. I miss my mom. I wish she came here to visit more often.
8. I am annoyed by people who honestly don't want to be friends with people because of their religious/political beliefs. I, for one, choose my friends based on the content of their character (cheesy but true). If I get along with you and we have fun together, why would I care who you voted for for president. People should just agree to disagree. If you get heated about it, don't talk about it. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!!!!!! And I wouldn't dream of trying to change yours (I'll just quietly feel bad for you that you are so deluded and misguided).
9. My days are monotonous at work. Cole is the only reason that makes me get up in the morning.
10. I miss my dad. He hasn't been to work in weeks and I miss seeing him there.
11. I'm a total slacker on the work out front. Since Cole got really sick, I haven't worked out once. Not once. I fell out of my routine and then Travis' work schedule changed. His schedule is back to normal now but I haven't gone back yet. I suck and I hate myself for sucking so hard.
12. I'm somewhat addicted to Facebook. I just pop on and off throughout the day but I pop on and off at least 20-30 times a day. I fear it is becoming a problem. Intervention? Maybe not just yet.
13. The Swine Flu (aka H1N1) is just the flu. What is it with the media WANTING to cause mass hysteria? I never would have seen that one coming...

No more bottle...dun dun duuuuuunnnnnn

So, my original plan for Cole was to get him off of his bottle by the time he turned 18 months. He didn't have bottles much for the first year or so of his life because I breast fed him like a mad woman:) I didn't want to have a kid who was super dependent on...really anything that went in his mouth. I know how addicting pacifiers and bottles and thumb sucking can be and how much they can screw up your teeth. So, no pacifier for my boy and bottles only came into play for first thing in the morning and a little bottle with each of his two naps. 18 months old snuck up on me much faster than I had anticipated but I still wanted to ween him off. My first inclination was to water down his milk until he just decided he didn't want it any more. I did that for about a week but he was still diggin' his bottle with his naps. Finally, yesterday I decided to just go cold turkey. I explained to him that the bottle was "all gone". He usually responds to things being all gone really well but he was a bit put off by the BOTTLE being "all gone". He was upset for the first few minutes of his naps but went straight to sleep. When it came time for bed, he was VERY upset and he doesn't get a bottle for bed time! He kept screaming, "Mommy! Bottle!! Mommy!! Bottle!!!!". I felt so bad! But I stuck to my guns and after about a half hour of screaming, he fell asleep. He woke up this morning though at 5 freakin' 30 AM and started screaming for a bottle. I tried to ignore him but after almost an hour, I couldn't take it any more. I grabbed his sippy cup with some milk and went in to him to start our day. He seemed to like having his milk in a sippy cup this morning and he watched cartoons on my bed while I took a shower. He's taking his first nap right now and he fell asleep quickly but was still upset that he didn't get a bottle. I know it is just a part of his routine for sleeping and it will take some time for him to let it go. He's a trooper though and I'm proud of him. Let's hope he sleeps in tomorrow!! I'm glad his bottle isn't an all day crutch kind of thing. I think it would be more of a shock and harder to get over, if it was. Here's to a bottle free baby boy! Go Cole!

Cole is 18 months old!

Cole turned 18 months old on the 13th! I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. He really enjoys playing with his cars and trucks and driving them all over the house. He is obsessed with elk and runs around the house mimicking their sound (they make a really weird screaming/whistling noise) and he's getting really good at it:) I've been teaching him his colors and he's getting pretty good at them. The only color that he gets without fail is orange:) I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that it is my favorite color? Hmmmm. He is a very smart boy and he surprises me everyday with the things he says and does. He really likes school buses and when we are driving home from work we see alot of them on the street and he points out every one and says,"Hiiiiiiiii bus!". He loves Spongebob Squarepants and sings along to the opening theme song:) He loves the song Single Ladies by Beyonce (I think he likes the beat). He sings the whoa oh oh part over and over again. In fact, last night after we put him to bed, Travis and I listened to him in the monitor singing it over and over again. He would switch back and forth between elk calls and singing Beyonce. The kid cracks me up! I love him. He is just so much fun. Oh, I almost forgot. It turns out that he didn't have pneumonia after all. We went to his pediatrician appointment and he said that quick care people always jump to pneumonia because they don't look at alot of childrens' chest x-rays. He told me to stop giving Cole the antibiotic he was on and that he would be just fine. He still has a tiny bit of a cough but he gets better and better everyday. I love his pediatrician. He is not big on antibiotics for kids and I really appreciate that. We are an overly medicated society, so it is a nice breath of fresh air. Anyway, Cole is happy and healthy and smart and cute:) Everyday when I get him dressed we talk about what is on his shirt (a deer, truck, car, dog, dinosaur, etc.) and he repeats it to me and anyone else he sees throughout the day. He's LOVING dinosaurs now too. He has just a couple little plastic ones that he got for Easter and he has a dinosaur book that he loves. Sometimes he crawls around growling and says in a grumbly voice, "dinosaurrrr rraaarrrr". Trambo and Wendy are his best friends and Wendy is getting more comfortable accepting his over-exhuberant love:) Trambo has put up with it for a while and I think he actually likes it most of the time when Cole hugs him from behind and just lays on him. Actually, as I am writing this all three of them are sitting in the sun in the living room and Cole is petting both their faces:) He loves them and they love him. Now he is butting Wendy in the head with his head! Oh the love! :) He was getting really good at potty training before he got so sick but we are slowly getting back on track with that again. He's still really good at telling me when he has to poop. The peeing part has fallen by the way side but I'm sure it will come back soon enough. I'm not in any hurry and I don't really care about having to change diapers. Well, that's a pretty good update on what my boy has been up to lately. I'm just working and still losing weight:) Travis is working and has been getting up earlier, which he likes because he doesn't have to be out in the heat for too long. But the heat that he does have to deal with drains him and he hasn't been too much help when he gets home. I understand that he is tired but I explained to him that I need a break (even if it is a tiny one) just to restart my focus and enthusiasm:) He's been getting better and I appreciate it. I love my boys!

I lost 11.98% of weight in 3 1/2 months!

But I lost the biggest loser competition, so I officially suck and I'm still bulbous. Congrats to Sarah Barlow for winning! I will be having my own loser competition after I have my next baby. So for those of you who want in, you have approx. one year to get as fat as you can, so you can lose a whole bunch of weight and win some cash:) Totally kidding of course! The smaller you start, the higher chance you have of winning (as long as you have some weight to lose). So get ready for Biggest Loser 2010!!

Where do I begin?

Tuesday afternoon, Cole started to act a little weird (grumpy and fussy) after his second nap. When we got home, he wanted me to hold him in the recliner, which is also weird because when we get home all he usually wants to do is run around a play. When I picked him up, he felt hot. I gave him some Tylenol and just held him. His fever went down and he felt better and played some. By the time it was time for bed again, his fever was back and he had a runny nose and a little cough. I gave him some more Tylenol and decided to see how he felt in the morning. He slept all night, not a peep, but when I went in to get him in the morning, he was ON FIRE. I gave him some Tylenol, called Travis and told him that we should probably go to the doctor. He asked if we could wait until after work and I said that as long as the Tylenol helped with his fever, then sure. We went to work and he pretty much just sat on me the whole time. His fever had gone down and he took his first nap like a champ. When he woke up he was burning up and the Tylenol I gave him did nothing and he started to get the shakes. I was seriously trying to put off the doctor because I didn't want to be one of those moms that runs to the doctor every time there is something going on. But I knew that it was time and I called Travis and told him we were going home and asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor with us. He said he did but that I had to come pick him up. So, I drove over to the other side of town, picked Travis up and we went to the quick care on Rancho. Cole fell asleep in the car and slept the entire time (he hardly EVER sleeps in the car). We got there and were happy to find that we were the only ones there!! Woohoo! No waiting! They took us back for the prescreening and took Cole's temperature. 103.3. All of the sudden people were moving in fast forward. They took us back to a big room with several beds and told us to take Cole's clothes off immediately. They said we had to cool him down so that he wouldn't have a seizure. Great. We stripped him down to his diaper and had him stretch out on the bed. He is always such a good little patient for his pediatrician but I didn't know how he would react to all of these people running around him and shining lights in his eyes and ears and throat. He was awesome!! We had talked about seeing the doctor when we were walking into the quick care, so he just kept repeating "Doctor?" whenever someone would walk up to the bed. Most of them were nurses, so they'd tell him that they weren't the doctor :) I explained to them that the Tylenol I had given him wasn't working anymore for his fever, so they dosed him up with Motrin and within 20 minutes, he was feeling MUCH better. Even smiling again:) Finally a doctor came in and Cole said, "Doctor?". The doctor was very nice and told him that he WAS the doctor, so Cole just kept saying doctor over and over again with a big grin on his face. The doctor listened to his lungs and said that they sounded clear but he just wanted to do a chest x-ray to be safe. Uh, ok? So I took him back for the x-ray and they wrapped him in this tight horrible plastic thing and I had to help hold his arms above his head while they took the x-ray. He didn't like it but he didn't cry. He just sat there and waited for it to be over. Even the x-ray tech said that he was the best 18 month old she'd ever seen :) Thank you, thank you very much ;) We went back to our bed and a little later the doctor came in and told us that Cole had Pneumonia. Wait...what?? He asked if anyone had been sick around him and I told him that my coworker (Guy) was sick but not with pneumonia. He said that it didn't matter if Guy had pneumonia, all he needed was to pass along bacteria to Cole and it could turn into pneumonia in him. So, he prescribed an antibiotic and we were sent on our way (Cole's temp dropped back down to normal while we were there waiting). He did tell us that if he started to struggle for breath or was just breathing weird (getting worse) we should come back immediately.

We got home around 7:30 at night and gave Cole dinner, a bath and his antibiotic and he went right to sleep by 8. Travis went to bed around 10 and I stayed up to catch up on some shows I had recorded. At about a quarter to 11, I heard Cole start to whimper a little and then, out of the monitor, came the most scary insane noise I have ever heard in my life!! I just sat there staring at the monitor, not understanding what was coming out of it. Cole let out a little cry and the noise came again. I honestly thought that the monitor was malfunctioning but then I realized that the noise was coming from Cole! I jumped up and hurried down the hallway. As I passed our room, I saw Travis sitting up in bed and he asked me what that noise was and when I told him it was Cole, he flew out of bed. The fact that this noise woke Travis up should explain how loud and horrible it was (Travis can sleep through ANYTHING, he has even slept during a category 5 hurricane!!) . We both went into Cole's room and he was just laying there, crying out and barking in. I decided we needed to go back to the doctor, so we loaded up and were on our way back at 11pm. While driving there, Travis asked if we really NEEDED to be going back and that maybe we should wait and see how he does. I told him that I'm not going to wait and see if he stops breathing altogether, so there was no question. The doctor we had seen before had gone home, so we saw another very nice doctor. He let us know that Cole now had Croup. When we explained that we had already been there earlier and that he had pneumonia, everything started moving fast again. The doctor explained that he personally had NEVER seen a child with Croup and Pneumonia at the same time. He also thought that there might be a chance that he was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic that he was given, so he called in a new prescription. They rushed us back to a bed and the doctor explained that they were going to give Cole a steroid shot and a breathing treatment and if he did not show signs of improvement in TWO hours (it was now midnight) they were going to admit him to the hospital. The needle for the steroid shot was probably the biggest needle (fat and long) that I have ever seen and they had to stick it into the muscle in his little thigh. I seriously thought the needle was going to go all the way through his leg :( He did not like that shot one bit and started to scream, which made him bark louder. It was terrible. The nurse said that it was good that he was crying because it would help him breath the medicine mist in deeper. She handed me the breathing mask (which looked like a fish, so we called it Nemo) and told me I had to hold it over his face as best as I could. Cole struggled at first but I started to sing to him and he calmed down and just breathed. He did a great job and kept talking about Nemo and pointing at the mask. After he was done with that, we had about an hour and a half to kill. Poor Travis had to be up for work at 5am, so I held Cole in a chair and let him sleep in the bed :) I could tell that Cole was tired but he was not about to go to sleep and miss all of the exciting stuff that was going on around him:) Plus, there were 3 other little kids there to look at. He was a trooper and just hung out on my lap eating ice chips out of a cup. After just a little while he stopped sounding so terrible and eventually he just made a little rattle when he breathed in. At 2am the doctor came to check on us and listened to Cole breathe and decided to send us home. Hallelujah! It took them about another 1/2 hour to release us and then we were on our way. On the way home, we stopped and picked up Cole's new prescription and gave it to him as soon as we got home. He went to sleep around 3:30am and woke up in the morning at 7:30am!! What the heck, right?! I, of course, stayed home from work and Cole set up camp on me all day. Travis came home from work at around 3pm, went to bed and had to be back up for work at 8pm THAT SAME DAY!!! Is that crappy timing or what?! He hasn't had to work during the night in a LONG time. So, he...well WE were all going on practically no sleep at all. Cole took some long naps during the day but I was too paranoid to sleep, so I just sat by his monitor listening to him breathe. He is doing much better now, with the exception that the new antibiotic gives him horrible diarrhea and diaper rash. Cole wasn't sick for the first year of his life and has never really had a diaper rash, so I think this is just the world's way of making sure I don't get too lax or cocky about my wonderful kid ;) I'm just glad he is a trooper and has such a good attitude with people. He is learning his colors now and before this whole sickness incident happened, he was getting really good at going to the bathroom in his potty chair!! What a kid! I love him so much!!!!

Losing again

I know I need to just stay off the scale. I have gone down 2 pant sizes!! That's an accomplishment:) I'm not getting on the scale until the weigh in for sure now. I know I still won't win but I will weigh in to see what my percentage of weight loss will be. I'm too hard on myself. I've changed my routine a bit and it seems to be working:

BIG bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (plain).
Veggie or fruit for snack.
Salad for lunch.
Fruit and a stick of cheese for snack.
Work out for no less than 45 minutes, usually on the eliptical listening to my Ipod (it makes the time FLY by and I just keep to the beat of the music). I shoot for burning at least 500 calories.
Fish or chicken for dinner (no more than 6 oz.) plus TONS of veggies & a small salad (I put the dressing on the side in a little cup and dip my fork in it before each bite. I saw it on the Biggest Loser and thought I'd give it a shot).
Lastly, (if I'm wanting something sweet) I eat a Weight Watcher's fruit/cream bar. They are HUGE and have hardly any calories.

It's definitely working and it doesn't feel totally overwhelming, like I'm on a diet. I'm just trying to lose as much as I can before I go try to get pregnant again. I'm making an appointment for the week after next to go to the fertility doctor to start my first round of shots. No time like the present, huh? I know I will keep working out while I'm pregnant and that will help me during my recovery from my next c-section. It doesn't seem so scary this time around because I know what I'm in for. At least I get to pick my kid's birthday! I was totally out of shape when I had Cole, so my recovery was HARD. I'm hoping that I'll be up and around (and off pain killers) after the first week. I won't have time to be bed ridden, I'll have TWO kids:) !!!! Wish me luck!

The Ongoing Debate in My Head

To conceive now or conceive later? That is my question.

Reasons to do it now:
I'm not getting any younger
I will have the baby long enough before my sister's wedding to be able to drop a few pounds.
I will not be giving birth during hunting season:)
I want Cole and his sibling to be close in age (they will be just over 2 years apart). If I wait until my next window, they will be 4 years apart.
If I don't do it now, I will wait until after my sister's wedding, which is in Oct. 0f 2010. That seems really far away:)
Cole will have someone to play with:)
If my sister Sarah gets pregnant anytime soon, our kids will be close in age.
My SIL Cassidy is pregnant now and our kids could be close in age:)
Even though I like my full night sleep, I'd rather get the sleepless nights over with now.
I have insurance now through my work that will cover all of the fertility stuff and the has great coverage for all of the maternity.

Reason for later:
I'm not THAT old:)
I won't have a newborn at my sister's wedding.
I will more than likely quit my job, which would leave my dad in a bind and I don't want to do that but working here with one kid is hard enough! I don't want to put my kids in daycare.
I can get down to my goal weight BEFORE I get pregnant. It will be easier to drop the weight afterward and I won't look like such a heifer while I'm pregnant.
I won't steal any of the thunder if my sister does get pregnant soon (not that she would think that).
I'm 3 years younger than my older sister and 5 years older than my younger sister and we are all VERY close, so don't think the 4 year age gap will really matter.
I like my full night sleep:)

Honestly, it's pretty even for both sides of the argument. No matter what, having a second kid does freak me out in a way. I'm so used to just having Cole and just loving Cole. I would never want him to feel left out or that he is not as important as a new baby. I don't know if him being younger or older will help in the process of welcoming a new baby. Truth be told, I would be happy just having Cole but I know that for his sake, he needs a sibling. Every only child I have ever known has told me that they wish they had a sibling. I would never want to do that to him. I also know that when I have my next kid, I won't know what I would do without them. So, to those of you who are reading this and have multiple kids, a little advice please. I know there's never a "perfect time" but there has to be a "better" time, right? Travis just wants another one and doesn't care when, as long as it doesn't conflict with hunting:) Oh, how I love that man of mine:)

Not a happy post

I feel extra fat today. Not fun. I've been doing really well losing weight and now it has come to a screeching halt, in fact I am now going backwards. I decided not to get on the scale until we weigh in but this morning I succumbed and I have gained back 5 pounds in the last week. I don't know what I am doing wrong and it is FRUSTRATING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not getting back on the scale...EVER! I won't even bother weighing in on April 15th for the end of the contest. I'll just hand over my $20 and be on my way. I'm gross.

HOLY CRAP my house is clean!!

Travis walked in the door on Friday and I yelled to him to take his work boots off because the floors were clean. I heard him say as he was walking in, "Oh, has somebody been doing a little cleaning?".
"Yes," I said "But it sure wasn't me!".
"What??...Oh, did you have Sam come and clean?"
"Yep!"
"Good! Our house was disgusting!"

So, he ended up not being mad at all! Which was nice because I wanted to enjoy the cleanliness without having to justify it to a poopy hubby:) I'm sure that I will be better at keeping my house clean after I have another kid and become a SAHM. But who knows, maybe I'll keep Sam cleaning for as long as he is willing to do it! I really really really hate to clean. I HATE the smell of Windex and toilet bowl cleaner. Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy having my house dirty and I'm good at maintaining cleanliness (Travis on the other hand is a messy messy boy) but I'm just one of those people who wants someone else to clean my house and I'm not ashamed to say it. I think it goes back to my childhood. Most of you who know me know that I was pretty much a cleaning slave growing up. Especially after my sister Sarah and step-sister Amber moved out. I was responsible for cleaning EVERYTHING!! Including (and most of these were weekly, if not twice a week chores):
vacuuming the whole house
cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes every night(which also included removing all of the burners from the stove and cleaning them)
taking out the garbage
mowing and weed whacking the lawn
trimming the tree in our front yard (this was only once a year of course)
cleaning the pool and keeping the chemicals for the pool in check
cleaning BOTH bathrooms (which I always found incredibly disgusting to have to clean my parents bathroom because...eww...I was cleaning up after THEIR poo & pee & pubes & body scum!!)
scrubbing the kitchen floor on my hands and knees with ammonia & water because Gail thought that it was more thorough than using a mop (same with the bathroom floors)
cleaning all SEVEN panes of the sliding glass doors inside and out(not with Windex and paper towels or newspaper. No, I had to use a mixture of vinegar & water with a sponge and then use a squeegee to wipe it off, making sure that I didn't leave any streaks on the doors)
spraying off the cool decking around the pool
brooming off the front step and walkway
trimming the bushes in front of the house
dusting and Windexing all of the furniture including all of the pictures and mirrors throughout the house

I'm sure there are some other random chores I'm forgetting. Wow!! Was that cathartic or what? Anyway, as you can read, I have had my share of the cleaning duties and although I know that now that I am an adult and I am responsible for keeping my own house clean, I choose to have someone else do it for me. Gail had me, so why can't I have Sam?? :) At least I pay him for all the cleaning he does and he doesn't even come close to doing all of what I had to do. So, enough of my justifications. I don't feel guilty about it AT ALL. And for those of you who have kids who hate to do chores, just clue them in to how bad it really could be:)

Summary- My house is clean from top to bottom and I love it.
Peace out and word to your mom.

I gotta basket full of lemons and they all taste the same

So, I rehired Louisa's fiance, Sam, to clean my house again. Travis decided that we could keep it clean ourselves if we worked together and I figured as long as I had his help, we really could give it a go. We were doing a pretty good job until we both went out of town. Since then, we haven't been able to stay on top of...EVERYTHING! So, without consulting Travis, I called in my cleaning wizard and he is probably cleaning my house right now as I write this. I'm so excited I could pee!! Travis might get a little angry with me but I think having the house clean and having me happy are two things you just can't put a price tag on (or at least that's what I keep telling myself). So here's a big here here for my main man maid :) SAM!!!

On another note, while on a road trip with Louisa, to LA, to see our friend Ben in The Graduate (you may know him as Whopper Jr. in the Burger King commercials), Louisa and I mastered the song Letterbox by TMBG. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're missing out, and you should be very impressed with our mad skills.

Here is a picture to ponder...

Let's do this thang...

I'm feeling like my blog is super boring. Not that I think stories about my son are boring but I seem to complain a little bit more than I'd like. I'm really not much of a complainer. So, in the spirit of "me"ness, I'm switching this blog up a bit to become a little bit more fun and more me. Granted I will still tell stories about my son and I'm sure will rant the occassional rant but I'm gonna try to liven up this dusty old blog. Also, I'm feeling kind of bummed that some people have let their blogs go, due to a certain addiction to a thing called Facebook, and I don't want to face an intervention myself. I also know that not many people read my blog but for those few who do, I wanna keep things interesting. So, to kick things off in the right direction, here is a picture from one of my favorite artists...

Let's see what happens...

I commented on my very good friend Sarah's page and so now I am obligated to post this but at least I get a homemade gift:) Honestly, I'm doubting that 5 people even read my blog. Oh well, read on...

Pay attention kids! Here is the deal:

The first five people to comment on this post will get something made by me. My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
2- What I make will be just for you.
3- It'll be done this year.
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be photography, I may sew or stitch or bake something. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
5- I reserve the right to do whatever I want!

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must re-post this on your own blog and offer the same deal to 5 of your own lucky blog readers. So, the first 5 people to leave a comment telling me they are in, win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me! Oh, and be sure to post a picture of what you win when you get it.

You know I'm crafty, so bring it on!!

The rest of the story

So, Saturday we got up and played with the horses and got muddy and cold again:) Oh, but before we went outside that morning, Cole decided to walk off the end of a big marble step and cracked his head on the bottom step. His eye was pretty swollen and turned reddish purple. Good times. He now has a pretty nice black eye that Travis is diggin' because he says it makes him look tough. A tough 16 month old...uhhhh. Anyway, Sarah, Cole and I drove down to Chico and had lunch. Yes, the check engine light was still on:(
We stayed the night at Sarah's house in Gridley, had breakfast with my mom in the morning and went back to Sarah's, so Cole could take a nap. And as anti-climactic as it was, the check engine light turned off when we were driving back to Sarah's, but I was thrilled. I debated whether or not to put Cole down for a second nap because it would be cutting it a little close to us needing to leave for the airport. I decided to put him down anyway and just made sure that I would wake him by 2:30pm, so we could have some time to get there to drop off the rental car and catch the shuttle to the airport. He slept for an hour, I got him up, we said our goodbyes and we were on the road by 2:40pm. It had started raining that morning and the closer we got to Sacramento (where the airport is) it was coming down in sheets and there was some pretty thick fog. Despite the rain and fog, I made it to the car rental place in pretty good time and was dropping off my car by 3:45pm. Because it was raining so hard, I kept Cole in the car as long as I could. I unloaded the bags from the trunk and had to take Cole out of his carseat, so that I could attach the wheels to it. While I was doing that, Cole climbed into the front seat and was pretending to drive the car. I took his carseat out of the car and said, "ok buddy, let's go". I shut the back door and went to open the front door to get Cole out and I heard, beep beep. Yep, Cole locked the car!! In hindsight, I figured out that he pushed the lock button on the keys that were still hanging in the ignition (because the lady told me to leave them in). Before I shut the back door, I even looked to see that the car was unlocked and it WAS. Call it perfect, or terrible, timing but he locked the car right after I shut the back door. Needless to say, I started to freak. I actually kept my cool but my heart was seriously beating in my throat. I looked around and the lady who told me to leave the keys in the car sees me and asks, "Did you just lock your baby in the car??".
I reply, "NO! He locked himself in the car. Do you guys have a spare key?"
"No."
"Well, you need to help me because we have a plane to catch."
"How did you lock your baby in the car?"
"I didn't. Can you get someone to get him out??"
"I can try to find the mechanic."
"Do that now, please."
So, she walks away and this really nice lady comes out of the rental place and asks if he's alright. He is, of course, just fine:) In fact, he is honking the horn and turning the wheel making vroom vroom sounds. He's so stinkin' cute. Since I'm getting soaked by the second, I decide to see if I can get Cole to open the car. I knock on the window to get his attention and ask him to push the buttons to unlock the door. Amazingly, he starts to push various buttons (and if the car would have been turned on, he would have rolled down the window!) but unfortunately when he pushed on the lock button, he just kept locking it. I begged for him to push the other side but his understanding only went so far. Then I tried to get him to pull on the door handle to unlock it and again, amazingly, he pulled on the handle. But as hard as he could pull, it was just not enough to undo the lock. The same lady who yelled at me for locking him in the car came back after about 10 minutes with a Slim Jim to try and unlock the car. She had no idea how to use it and I offered to help because I've seen people use them before. But she said that if I hurt the car in any way, I would be held liable for the damages. So I had to watch her fumble and scrap the car up for a good 5 minutes before she gave up. After a few more minutes, the mechanic showed up. By this time, I am COMPLETELY soaked to the bone. There was not a single inch of me that wasn't wet. The mechanic pounded in a shim, inserted this metal thing between the door frame and the car and started to turn a knob that spread the top of the door open. He slid in a long metal wire, that Cole kept yanking on until I told him to stop (I think a part of him knew that it was important for him to listen to me and be good) and eventually the guy hook the lock and unlocked the door. I thanked him, yanked Cole out of the car, put him in his sopping wet car seat and we were off to the shuttle. I was running as fast as my legs could carry me, Cole, and three peices of luggage and as soon as I rounded the corner of the rental building I saw the shuttle sitting there. I ran down the sidewalk praying that the driver saw me and that he would wait. But dontcha know, he closed the doors and pulled away when I was about 15 feet from the shuttle. I was dumbfounded. I'm almost positive that he did see me coming but left anyway. By this time it was about 20 after 4pm. I was supposed to check my luggage in by 4:10 and my flight was leaving at 5:10pm and I was STILL at the car rental place. I called Sarah and told her what had happened and she couldn't even speak. She couldn't even find any words of encouragement because she was blown away by the way this whole trip had gone for us. The next shuttle showed up about 10 minutes later. We loaded up, with the help of a very nice man, and finally were on our way to the airport. Travis called me while I was in line to check my bags and he was really sweet about the whole thing. He told me to keep calm and if I did miss my flight, that it would be ok and I could just get on the next one. Yeah, easy for him to say whe he doesn't have to be the one chasing a crazy baby through the airport for possibly hours! What sucked was that, while I was explaining the whole thing to Travis on the phone, I know that the people in front of me heard that I might miss our flight and no one offered for us to go ahead of them. People suck. When I finally got up to check my bags, I explained the situation (very quickly) to the lady and she said that as long as security didn't hold me up for too long, I'd probably just be able to make my flight, even though we might be the last ones on the plane. I ran to the escalator (I wasn't about to wait for the stinkin' elevator) and akwardly balanced Cole all of the way up. When we got to the top, I saw the line for security. Yeah, that's right, it not only wound back and forth about ten times but then it also extended back over this bridge/walkway thing. There were easily 100+ people in line. I accepted my defeat and turned to walk to the end of the line when I heard a woman behind me saying, "excuse me...excuse me miss...excuse me...can you get her attention for me." I didn't think she was speaking to me but another woman that I was facing said, "that lady is talking to you". I turned around and saw a security woman jesturing for me to come to her. I walked over and she said..."you can use the family lane"!!!!! The clouds opened and the angels sang!!!! There was a line with about 3 small families waiting in a line next to her to go through security. FAMILY LANE!!!!!!! I almost started to cry. We whipped past security, ran to our gate and walked right on the plane. The plane ride home was pretty uneventful because I kept the dvd player with us and we watched Monster Inc. all the way home. I also had M&Ms and water to help with the crankiness and popping ears. I had never been so happy to come home in all of my life:) It was a fun trip and honestly we had near misses all over the place, so it wasn't that terrible. It was just one thing after another, after another, after another...you get the idea. Needless to say, I probably won't be going on any solo kid trips for awhile. Good times.

Our "vacation"

I'm going to try and finish this story before Cole wakes up from his nap but if I don't I'll just post it and finish it later. It's a long one:)

So...Travis decided about a month ago to plan a trip to Wyoming to go ride on the tram that he spent FIVE months building last year. I decided that since he'd be out of town, I'd take Cole to go visit my sister and my mom. No, I didn't think it would be easy going out of town alone with my boy but I had no idea that Murphy's Law would be following me the whole time. We got up the morning of Feb. 19th at 5 am and were at the airport by 5:45am to check in. I had two check on bags, one carry on, Cole's carseat, and Cole (in his carseat). Side note: if you don't have one of these, and you have kids, get one. It made my trip possible! Okay, so I walk up to check my bags and show my id and the lady asks me for proof of Cole's age. Yeah, that's right...I forgot his birth certificate. I explain that he is only 16 months old but she insists that it is policy and if I can't prove his age, I will have to buy another seat on the plane for him ($220). I blurt out that his brithday is 10/13/07 and that I couldn't make it up that fast if it wasn't really his birthday. She smiles and asks if I can have proof for the flight back home and I say 100% for sure. So she hands me my boarding ticket and tells me to have a nice flight (1st crisis averted). By this point, my heart is racing but I'm happy that she didn't charge me for the seat, so I mosy up to our gate and feed Cole bluberries until we board. On the plane, Cole is an angel...for the first hour. For the last 20 minutes of the flight, he was a raving lunatic. Screaming, flailing, snotting, drooling, punching and kicking. He was sick of being confined and his ears were hurting during the descent. I kept apologizing to the people around me but they were all very nice and kept telling me it wasn't my fault and they know how it is. After we finally landed, I got our bags and we headed over in a shuttle to the car rental place. I got the keys, found the car and loaded everything into the trunk. I went to put Cole and his carseat into the car and when I opened the door I was hit in the face with the disgusting smell over cigarette smoke!!! I blurted out, "oh hell no!". I left everything there, except Cole of course, and walked back over tto the main office to get us another car. They obliged and I had to unload, haul over and reload the other car with all of our stuff. I had brought our portable dvd player for Cole to watch in the car, so that he could watch his precious Monsters Inc. and would be happy on the hour and a half car ride to Chico. I had never set up our dvd player in the car before, so I had to read instructions and spend about 20 minutes getting everthing strapped into place and ready to watch. We finally left the car rental place and as we headed out toward the freeway, the dvd screen fell shut and Cole started to have a fit. I should have pulled over but I just reached back and set it up. While I was doing that though, I passed a sign for a freeway and I just assumed it was the one I was supposed to get on. WRONG! After about 5 minutes or so driving on this freeway and having nothing look familiar, I saw that I was on the 5 going north when I was supposed to be on 99. I didn't panick though and figured I would get off at the next exit and flip around. WRONG!! The next exit took me on this FOREVER road that ran parallel to the freeway, still going in the opposite direction! After about 10 minutes on this thing, I was starting to lose it. Finally, it bent back around and I was able to get going in the right direction on the right freeway.

We made it Chico pretty quick and met up with my mom. Then we started the trek up the mountain to her house in Forest Ranch. As we were climbing the hill, wouldn't you know it, the check engine light came on in the rental! We made it though and we figured it was just hard on the car going up the mountain. We had a really great time at my mom's (minus my step-dad's forever menacingly bad attitude). Cole LOVED playing with the horses and dogs and playing in the snow and mud mud mud. There was ALOT of mud and it was cold mud. But Cole was having a blast, so I didn't mind getting dirty right along with him. Unfortunately that night, it was extra cold in the other "wing" of the house (where Cole and I were sleeping) and they left their dog, Eeyore, out and he barked ALL NIGHT LONG. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep and Cole woke up at 4 in the morning to take a massive dump, so that was fun. Friday afternoon my sister Sarah came up to see us and she stayed the night!! Cole had a blast with her and my mom:) We had a better night sleeping that night because I left Cole downstairs, where it was warm. Sarah and I slept upstairs with lots of blankets and they locked up Eeyore for the night!! The sleep was lovely:)...oh yeah there's more...

Valentine's Day is stupid.

That about sums it up:)

I think we've made it!

The horrible teething has passed. The early morning wake up calls have ceased. My boy is a smiling ball of silliness. For now:) He pushed out teeth #s 10, 11 and 12 in one long drawn out miserable process!! Only 8 more teeth to go:) Hopefully there will be a little lull of happiness before it starts up again. I'm enjoying the moment. Enough about teething...

So, I lost 12 pounds in January. I would normally be thrilled about this but at this rate I will definitely NOT be winning the Barlows' Biggest Loser competition. Believe me, I'm trying to stay positive but most people are shooting for a 20%+ weight loss and I don't think that is possible for me in 3 short months!! Oh well, at least I'm feeling better about myself, right?! After the weigh in on April 15th, I plan to go back to my fertility doctor and get the ball rolling on getting preggers again. I'm not getting any younger and although I got pregnant pretty quickly with Cole, there is no guarantee with PCOS that it will work so easily this next time. I was going to try to get down to my goal weight before I had another kid but that would probably take a few years AND my little sis is getting married in Oct. of 2010, so I want to have my baby early next year and drop a few pounds for the wedding. I will NOT gain another 80 POUNDS with this next pregnancy and I also plan to work out (safely) the whole time:) For now I am focusing on eating better and I exercise everyday. I have definitely been putting on muscle, so I know that is effecting how much I am "losing" as well. It's too bad we aren't competing in inches lost. I just might win that one:) I can already buy a size smaller in jeans:) Focusing on the positive...

The EVIL canine...

Don't worry, all of my posts will not be about teething. I just have to say that this canine is an SOB!! Not only is it making Coley's gums sore but it is also pushing against the surrounding teeth and making him even MORE miserable!!! Last night Travis went in to calm him down so that he could fall asleep and he just kept asking for me:( So, I had to rock him to sleep and he kept lifting his head off of my shoulder and hitting himself in the mouth and sadly repeating, "teeth teeth teeth". How sad is that!! He's still cute as a button though:) I promise my next post will be a happy one:) Congratulations to Sarah and Anthony who just had a baby boy yesterday! Welcome to the world Conley:)

So...

In an effort to keep true to my resolution, I am posting a little blurb about my boy. Cole is teething and it is nothing like the teething when he got his front eight. When those first teeth came in, he took 'em like a champ and hardly fussed at all. He busted out a huge one in the back about a month ago and it was a little tougher on him and he had one solid day of being a crank head. But nothing could have prepared me (or him) for the unending boo hoo fest that is occuring with these TWO HUGE teeth that are coming in in the back on the top. Oh my word!!!! He is as miserable as I have ever seen him and I feel so bad for he little butt. Luckily, he has been sleeping through the night (knock on wood) but he does wake up EARLIER at about 530 am!! I am having the utmost patience with him because I know it must hurt like heck but everyone else is having a pretty short fuse with his attitude. He is unhappy doing EVERYTHING, except for when I'm holding him, which is lovely when I have a bunch of work to get done:) He'll chew and chew on frozen teething rings but they can only help for so long. Yesterday, he was puching himself in the sides of his cheeks and gnawing on his index fingers. I keep him happy most of the time by running around outside with him but again, not so convenient when I have work to do. He is always such a happy go lucky kiddo and it just kills me to see him SO miserable. I can see the points of the teeth now, so I'm hoping that an end is in sight. Up until now, it has been five days of red swollen gums. So, I'm looking forward to the day when I get my goofy smiley boy back:) Until then, I will entertain him as best I can, to keep his mind off of his poor little mouth:( And I'll try and look on the bright side...only 9 more teeth to go!! Oh lordy...

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years...in a nutshell

My New Year's Resolution is to write little blogs more often than write big ones not so often. But before I start that...I need to recap end of the year stuff.

Thanksgiving was weird this year. Don't get me wrong, my mom and older sister came to town and that was AWESOME! But we didn't see Travis' family at all and as much as I didn't miss the driving from one end of town to the other and having to eat TWO Thanksgiving meals, I still missed seeing them. SO to any of the Stanleys reading this, I missed you. Silly, I know, especially because we see them a few times a month anyway but it still got to me a bit. Anyway, we had about 20 people at my dad's house and ate some YUMMY food!! I made my first turkey ever and it was dang good. I also made my homemade mac n' cheese (from scratch), which is super yum. Oh yeah, I also made some tasty deviled eggs. We had three turkeys and TONS of stuffing. I was so grateful to have my mom and big sister there. They are so wonderful and Cole loves them so much, so it's also nice to get a break while they play with him. My Aunt Libby was here with her husband and two kids and just before she arrived at my dad's she competed in a triathlon in Arizona. She is amazing. She just took up running a few years ago and now is a triathlete!! Crazy cool. Oh yeah and she's also like 50 (or somewhere around there). My Uncle Neil came down from Oregon and it was nice to spend some time with him too. Travis, Cole and I took him to see the dolphins and tigers. I'm not sure who was more excited...Cole or Neil:) Cole LOVED seeing the tigers. He growled at them constantly and cried whenever we moved to see another enclosure, until he saw another animal in it:) He was a bit confused by the dolphins until he really got a good look at one, then he was in love. He screamed wildly every time they swam by. Everyone thought he was adorable and hilarious...of course:) Travis, Cole, my mom, Sarah and I went to see Louisa be an elf at the Springs Preserve. She was also in a little play there. Cole got his picture taken with Santa and from there on he was obsessed with Santa. He started to say Santa over and over again. It pretty much became his favorite word, other than snowman. Louisa was one of Santa's helpers and she was great in the play:)

After the craziness of Thanksgiving was over, it was on to Christmas, which proved to be one of the most stressful Christmases I have ever had. I planned ahead, did all of my shopping relatively early and even started my crafty projects early and it still came down to the wire. I finished a bean bag for my BIL, Josh, CHRISTMAS MORNING! It was a 50" beanbag and it was pretty dang rad, if I do say so myself. I also made 3 32" bags for a fellow blogger named Stephanie. She even put pictures of them up on her blog. I think things on Christmas were so hectic for me because on Christmas eve as I was finishing the sewing of the beanbag, Travis was SUPPOSED to be wrapping all of the presents and stuffin ghte inner liner for the bag. He, uinfortunately neglected to do any of this and fell asleep on the couch. I checked on him twice and reminded him of all of the things that needed to get done and he fell asleep afetr each time and did NOTHING!! So, needless to say, we were running around like mad men in the morning trying to get everything finished, so that we could leave for Travis' parents house. Once Travis accepted that it was all his fault, we stopped stressing and just laughed at how lame we were:) Cole got lots of clothes (which is exactly what I needed for him). He also got a dancing Brobee, which he LOVES and dances along with it daily:) He got a big bouncy castle from my dad and Gail. Some coloring books, cars, trains & tons of other stuff:) Travis got me a Nintendo DS, which is so much fun! He got me all of the brainy games, like spelling, crosswords, sight training, etc. My sister Lou got me GUITAR HERO for my Wii!!! It is one of the funest things I have ever played. Honestly, I'm addicted. I got a pressure cooker from my dad and it is the most amazing cooking apparatus I have ever used in my life. Cooking entire meals in one pot in half the time is my way of cooking. And so far we have cooked the best tasting food I think we've ever had. I've made about 5 meals in the thing since Christmas and have yet to not love it. We went to the Stanleys' for scones Christmas morning. Exchanged presents and got to talk to Travis' younger brother Josh, who's on his mission in Puerto Rico. Then it was off to my parents for more presents and an AMAZING dinner. We had veal shanks (sp?) and mushroom risotto. It was one of the best meals I've ever had.

New Years was uneventful and I rang it in by kissing Travis on the cheek while he was passed out in bed next to me. The best news came from Sarah Barlow in the form of an email!! She is having a Biggest Loser contest of her own and everyone who participates puts in $20 and whoever loses the largest percentage of weight loss will win all of the money. So far the winnings are up to $600 and it is SOOOOO mine!!! In early November my dad had a little scare and had to have surgery. After he was recovered, the doctors told him to start losing the weight. So, we decided to start up a gym in his home. Louisa, my dad and I are the only members and we call it "Fitness Club" and we meet every day of the week (minus a few days during the Christmas holidays, when things were INSANE!) and do some type of work out. So far we do a Taebo video, trampoline video, step video, yoga video, tai chi video, eliptical, spin bike, Bowflex machine, free weights and walking outside. So, we always have something fun to do and we don't get bored. Usually we do circuit training, which is 6 minutes each on at least 5 things and then we do the entire Taebo video. So, it's pretty convenient that I just entered Sarah's competition and I'm already working out everyday. I'm still working on the food part but so far, since the 1st, I have lost 8 pounds!!!! Where's my money??!!!!