When I was 26 I had, what some would call, a quarter-life-crisis. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know what I was doing with my life and I didn't know where I wanted it to go. I focused mainly on the fact that I had no "passion". I didn't feel that my life was as fulfilling as it should be. I was pretty much freaking out on a daily basis. I cried alot. I sat alone and thought ALOT. Travis was as supportive as he could be but he didn't really know what to do because I couldn't tell him what he could do. I was mentally stuck in a rut and feeling horrible and confused. I don't really remember what finally snapped me out of it. In fact, I think it was a slow progression every day, not feeling as bad as the day before. That was around the time that Travis and I decided to have a baby. That proved to be a pretty difficult road and 4 years later (after alot of hormones, needles and money) we had our baby boy. Cole is absolutely the center of my life. He gives me a reason (sometimes the only reason) everyday to get up and go. I'm getting a bit off topic here but my point is that I am kind of feeling the way I felt when I was 26. Not as desperately hopeless as I felt and definitely NOT crying but there are similar feelings creeping in and out. I do wonder sometimes if maybe I'm clinically depressed. But I think it would be more often and more clear cut. I just seem to have bouts of weirdness every 4-5 years or so. Come to think of it, in 2001 I actually lost the ability to speak for 6 weeks. I know it sounds crazy but I developed a heavy stutter and eventually my jaw and neck would seize so bad when I'd try to speak , that I just couldn't any more. I went to a bunch of specialists (Ear Nose & Throat, Neurological, Speech Therapists) and no one could tell me what was up. My first doctor said I had Turret Syndrome!!??!! He was obviously a quack. Another doctor wondered if I had injested some chemical at the dentist's office where I worked. Another doctor said it was all psychosomatic, brought on by stress. That actually made the most sense to me but I definitely it also upset me because then I was thinking that it was all my fault. Thinking back on it, it makes sense (not complete sense because it was freakin' WEIRD) that my body reacted the way it did. I didn't choose not to speak but my body triggered something inside me to shut down. I often joked (on paper) that maybe it was punishment for talking too much :) I have always been a really stressed out person. I would guess that it stems back to my parents' divorce and how I desperately tried to hold it together and not let it look like it affected me. Over the years, my stress has taken on many forms...obsessive cracking knuckles, biting nails, cracking various other joints, including my neck, wrists, ankles and back, EATING, losing the ability to speak, fits of rage (breaking stuff). As I have gotten older, I have learned to deal with my stress a whole heck of a lot better. I talk about whatever I'm feeling and I don't bottle it up like I used to. I have infinite more patience than when I was younger, so I am able to calm myself down and talk through my anger or saddness before it turns into something crazy. I'm not perfect at this of course and there are things that I swallow (or talk to other people about) rather than confront the person with whom I have the problem. So, I'm wondering if the weight on my chest and lump in my throat is my body's not so subtle way of telling me I need to deal with some issues. If I really let myself think about it, I do have quite a few things that are weighing on me. Honestly though, I don't feel like it's anything more than usual and it is really pissing me off that I am feeling SO freakin' sad. I have been trying to cry with no success. So, I've given up on that and am now trying to focus on working through my issues or at least trying to change my situation, so that my issues won't be such "issues". I'm also focusing on the positive. I am so lucky I have Travis. I honestly don't know who else on this earth would put up with my craziness. After watching Cast Away the other night I had this brief conversation with him:
Me- "Honey?
Travis- "What?"
Me- "If you were ever on a plane that went down and everyone thought you were dead and I somehow managed to move on with my life (which I don't think I would) but if I did and you showed up and weren't dead, I would leave with you in a heartbeat."
Travis- "It wouldn't matter."
Me- "What wouldn't matter?"
Travis- "If you wanted to go with me or not."
Me- "Why?"
Travis- "Because I'd knock you out and take you with me anyway."
Now that's love people.
2 comments:
I love my brother. That is one of the most awesome things he's ever said. As far as other things go, depression/anxiety comes in an infinite possibility of forms. Whether you have it clinically or not, only a doctor (MD type :) ) could tell you that. This kind of stuff happens to us, especially as we start to get older and life becomes more monotonous, and our bodies don't work the way they used to (whether it be chemically or physically). I have 2 points here 1. you're not alone, 2. do whatever it takes to figure it out and fix it sooner, than later, so your mid-life crisis isn't too bad :). Lucky for me, when I'm down, killing things in video games usually perks me right back up. We love you, and we need to hang more yo. Lets go see Harry Potter together next month, and lets do something else that doesn't cost too much before that.
Thanks brother :) If we don't go out of town this weekend and if you have this Saturday off, do you want to come over and have a pool party (it's free!!)? Harry Potter is a definite!
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